failed book idea #1
I once had the thought I’d write a book called “Very Reasonable Facts.” It would be a book of claims I would prove though actual facts. Many people told me this was a terrible idea and I tended to agree but still think it’s not terribly awful.
FACTS TO PROVE:
I powered an entire steam-engine train for two days straight just by standing in the doorway.
You can start any Mazda car with a fork.
Canada has endless borders
Something about crayfish?
If you play any recording of Henry Kissinger backwards, it will reveal who he has killed.
Anything created by the Mayans can be used as a ladder.
Not only do dragons exist, they also write most encyclopedias.
Clouds don’t happen organically, they are woven by Spanish Women
Spanish women are dragons.
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The concepts of frequency reuse and handoff as well as teens loans for of other concepts that formed the basis of modern cell phone technology are first described in U.
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Great Jokes!
What do you call a man with no soul?
Maury Povich!
Three Rabbis are eating pork…
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA, SINNERS!
Knock, knock…
Who’s there??
Mark…
Mark who??
Foley! This joke is timely!
Hey, what do you get when you cross: a lizard, a waffle and two Parisian men?!
WHAT?!
Rape!
Bye!!!
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Tonight I realized…
1. I don’t think I’ve turned off my laptop since I bought it two summers ago. The battery has died a few times but I can’t ever recall physically shutting it down.
2. My ceiling fan in my room has been on since August, possibly early than that.
3. I am incredibly lazy.
My Morning Routine
[Alarm clock plays Christian Talk…]
ANNCR: And on Seventh Day God created….
[Turned off]
JAKE: Yeah right!
[Jake sits up in bed.]
JAKE’S THOUGHTS: Man. I can hear people in the kitchen. I’d better get rid of this erection.
[Four minutes pass]
JAKE: [heavy breathing and sweat] I feel poorly about myself. I will go back to sleep and never wake up again.
[Jake dies. Every. Single. Morning.]
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