Saturday October 07th 2006, 8:28 am
Filed under:
TrafficANNCR: Uh-oh Nelly Fortado! You got a whole lot of problems coming your way! Fly, fly, fly birdie! It’s today’s traffic with:
PARROT: A very intelligent parrot.
ANNCR: Yeah right!
PARROT: Stop that.
ANNCR: Whatever! KZLX!
PARROT: Checking the outbound traffic today, it looks like the GW bridge may have some problems.
[At this point The program director bursts into the room.]
PD: Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing in here?!?
PARROT: Sir, please. I am trying to do today’s traffic.
PD: Ha! Ha! You are a parrot.
PARROT: A very intelligent parrot.
PD: Shut up, parrot. You’re going home to my daughter.
PARROT: I will not! I refuse to–
[PD scoops up parrot and runs into the car where there is a briefcase on the seat filled with pringles.]
PD: My daughter is going to finally love me!
PARROT: This is hell.
PD: Parrots is funny! Wheel in the sky keeps on turning!
[They arrive at the PD’s house. PD is holding parrot by the beak.]
PARROT: I want to die. [but it’s like, real nasally.]
PD: Daughter Jane! I have come home!
[Jane enters]
Jane: I hate you Program Director Dad. [sees parrot] What?! I love you Dad.
[they embrace]
[twenty minutes later]
Jane: Parrot is delicious.
PD DAD: THE SKY IS BRIGHT TONIGHT!
ANNCR: LET’S GET IT POPPIN!
PD DAD / JANE: GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
ANNCR: IT’S MY TIME TO SHINE! [shoots himself]
LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS: Always remember me.
[!!!!!!!]
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Thursday September 07th 2006, 6:55 am
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TrafficANNCR: Don’t you think it’s time?!?!
DYING FROG: I really do.
ANNCR: Ho! Let’s get a truck and move to the great plains!
DYING FROG: If that means I didn’t have to die…
ANNCR: You’re a dying frog! A dyin’ frog doin’ today’s traffic! Hoooooo! WKLX! JAMZ! JAMZ WITH A Z!
DYING FROG: Hello, Tri-State area. Yes, I am a dying frog. And yes, as part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, I am doing today’s traffic. [big sigh] Well, this isn’t as glamorous as I’d imagined. You see–
[Program Director bursts into the room with a big old gun]
PD: I love hunting frogs!
DYING FROG: No, don’t!
PD: Yes, do!
[Yeah, the PD definitely shoots the frog. No, I said DEFINITELY.]
PD: [holding frog up] Wheel in the sky keeps on turning!
ANNCR: The buck don’t stop here!
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Monday August 21st 2006, 12:49 pm
Filed under:
TrafficANNCR: IS IT JUST ME OR DID IT GET A LITTLE MORE “HEZBOLLAH” IN HERE? HM? IT’S JUST ME. WELL, WELL, WELL. HOW ABOUT YOUR TRAFFIC UPDATE WITH…
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ANNCR: OH NO YOU DIDN’T!
Loaded Cannon: Boom. [pause] Just. Kidding. Okay. Your traffic report. Several horses are backing up the Severna Parkway. Care to join them? There’s a horse parade in town, you know? This is why all major roadways have been shut down to accomodate higher and faster horse traffic.
[The Program Director bursts into the room]
PD: Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing in here?
Loaded Cannon: I’m a loaded cannon. Don’t make me cannonball you.
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Loaded Cannon: No.
[PD starts to tickle cannon]
Loaded Cannon: oh, stop. [many giggles] Please, stop. No, I don’t think you understand stop–
[BOOM GOES THE CANNONBALL]
ANNCR: HO! HO! HO! CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE I NEVER CARED FOR ARE NOW DEAD!
[Loaded Cannon looks around in disbelief.]
PD: I’d better check on my muffins.
ANNCR: Life is wild!
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Monday April 10th 2006, 7:41 am
Filed under:
TrafficANNCR: OH SNAP STICKS! SOMEONE FORGOT TO TAKE HER BIRTH-CONTROL PILLS LAST NIGHT (honking sound effects) UH-OH! IT’S THE MORNING TRAFFIC REPORT WITH–
TRAFFIC: Um, Phil. Actually, I’m blind so I can’t see the monitor…
ANNCR: HOOO BOY! IT’S GONNA BE A HOT ONE! TAKE IT AWAY!
TRAFFIC: No, seriously. I don’t know how I got this job. I literally cannot see the traffic monitor. Can someone help me?
[The program director of WKLX bursts into the studio]
P.D.: Hey! You’re not the traffic guy! Just what do you think you’re doing here? How did you even get here?
TRAFFIC: No, I know. I don’t know how I got here. I woke up and had headphones on. I am completely blind.
P.D.: Oh. Well hey, you know what they say–the blind man sees more than the man who can actually see.
TRAFFIC: What? Who says that?
P.D.: Heh, heh. You so crazy! Keep up the good work, blindy!
TRAFFIC: Help?
ANNCR: TRAFFIC BE WILD!
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Friday December 09th 2005, 7:55 am
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TrafficANNCR: HOOOO MAN! This is radio! Do you like radio!? I bet you do! I bet you were spoiled as a child. It’s KLZX OH MAN! We give away so many prizes and here’s the traffic with–
TRAFFIC: [long sigh and pause.] The saddest man in the world.
ANNCR: He’s going to BRING. THE. PAIN.
SADMAN: Pain is all I can feel. Well, I guess you’d like to know the traffic report. It’s too bad you weren’t here with me right now. I wouldn’t even look at you. It’d just be nice to know someone else was in the same room as me. The Lincoln Tunnel is…dark. Don’t go in it. Don’t make the same mistake I made thirty years ago. I am a failure, I–
[Program director bursts in]
PD: Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing in here?
SADMAN: Please, come in. I can make you a soup–
PD: Haha! You’re so crrrrrazy! You must be the new traffic reporter–
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PD: Ho boy! Give this guy a raise!
[PD Walks out. Sadman crawls under the desk and shivers. It’s cold everywhere.]
ANNCR: Women be shoppin!
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Thursday November 10th 2005, 7:24 am
Filed under:
TrafficANNCR: My oh my look at the clear sky! It’s the traffic with–
TRAFFIC GUY: Me, Jerry Seinfeld.
ANNCR: You’re not Seinfeld–
TRAFFIC GUY: What’s the deal with cars? They move but when they’re lined up in a line–they don’t! What’s the deal with people in cars during rush hour? What are they? Dead?
[There is a loud knock on the door. The program director bursts in]
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing?
TRAFFIC GUY: What’s the deal with people asking me what I’m doing? Can’t you just look at me?
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: Oh, my mistake! You’re obviously Jerry Seinfeld. And you’re doing the traffic. [pause] Say, what’s the Verazano Bridge look like today?
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Wednesday November 02nd 2005, 7:05 am
Filed under:
TrafficANNCR: From the WKLX studios in New York…this is YOUR traffic.
TRAFFIC-GUY: Answer me! ANSWER ME! You look at me when I’m talking to you. [pause] Hello. Good. Sit in your chairs. Here is the traffic report. It’s a good day if you’re driving a truck. I’ve placed a leprechaun inside each individual truck in the entire New York-New Jersey metro area. The leprechauns are equipped with pick-axes. They are ready to help. Wolves are out today. Beware. They are thirsty for children. If you have children, give them up for adoption immediately to avoid the future hurt of your child being eaten by wolves.
[Loud knocking noises and the station’s Program Director bursts in]
PD: Hey! Who the hell are you and just what do you think you’re doing?
TRAFFIC-GUY: I’m the traffic guy. I’m doing the traffic report.
PD: Oh! Sorry…say! How’s the Lincoln tunnel look this morning?
TRAFFIC-GUY: [rears his head around to show fangs] Like a pit of lava.
PD: Great! Just got my car lava-proofed! Thanks, traffic guy.
[PD leaves]
TRAFFIC-GUY: He won’t be thanking me tomorrow, listeners, when his children are eaten by wolves.
[PD re-enters]
PD: My children are going to be eaten by wolves?
TRAFFIC-GUY: Yes.
PD: Oh no. [pause] I’d better put them up for adoption.
[PD leaves again]
TRAFFIC-GUY: This has been your traffic report. I hope you enjoyed it. And I hope you’ve enjoyed wasting most of your adult life. You can’t have those hours back, you know.
ANNCR: Ho ho ho! Green giant?! You better believe it! That was your traffic report from WKLX. Stay tuned for Sports–
TRAFFIC-GUY: THERE WILL BE NO SPORTS TODAY!
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