Monday November 19th 2007, 1:11 pm
Filed under: Stories, Sketches
[A man, Phillip, is sitting, reading quietly in a cafe. The entire cafe is empty, tables and chairs scattered about. Another man, Terry, walks in and walks up to Phillip and points to an empty chair at Phillip’s table.]
TERRY: You using this chair?
PHILLIP: [looking around, noticing ten other empty chairs.] Well, there’s plenty of chairs here.
TERRY: [quickly] Hey. I didn’t ask for a map of this coffee shop. I asked if you were using this chair. Now…are you using this chair?
PHILLIP: No, but–
TERRY: Thank you.
PHILLIP: But why do–
TERRY: [firm] THANK. YOU.
[Terry walks away without a chair and sits down at a table with his wife, Lisa, who is standing. She is also pregnant. She consoles him as he looks furious. He’s sobbing while she consoles him. Phillip walks over, confused]
PHILLIP: I’m sorry, but did you need that chair?
TERRY: No.
PHILLIP: Because it’s really not a problem.
LISA: Haven’t you done enough?
[Phillip walks away and sits back down.]
PHILLIP: You know– you could just have your wife sit down where you’re sitting.
TERRY: She’s not my wife.
[Phillip returns to his book but then notices the chair has sprouted arms, eyes, eyebrows and a mouth. It’s frowning and shaking it’s chair-head.]
PHILLIP: What?
CHAIR: Prick.
[The Chair knocks over Phillip’s coffee and it spills on the floor. Chair starts inching away towards Lisa and Terry]
[8] UCAN claimed that Cingular billed its customers for Jamster! and other similar loan rates best services without providing customers with loan rates best opt-in, and proof of authorization requirements necessary for such charges.
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Tuesday August 14th 2007, 5:57 am
Filed under: Sketches
laserbeam1: yo, why are you so sad?
laserbeam2: the war.
laserbeam1: really, the war? cause I though you were going to say some shit like “we’re really underutilized.” Or, “why can’t a super villain find us already?”
laserbeam2: no. I’m sad about the war. we should have–
Wednesday August 01st 2007, 11:17 am
Filed under: Sketches, Shows.
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Thursday July 26th 2007, 1:02 pm
Filed under: Sketches
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Wednesday May 16th 2007, 1:49 pm
Filed under: Stories, Sketches
[Kenny Dickface is shopping at the Food Hole. He has Nila wafers and ginger ale. UH OH KENNY DICKFACE MUST HAVE A STOMACH ACHE!!!]
Cashier: Will that be all?
KD: Yes, thanks. [pulls out credit card]
[cashier swipes it and is not phased by the name on the card.]
KD: Okay, let me have it. Destroy me.
Cashier: What?
KD: You read my credit card name…
Cashier: So?
KD: My name…
Cashier: Is Kenny Dickface.
KD: And?
Cashier: That’s a stupid fucking name.
KD: And my face looks like a dick, and I’m terrible, blah, blah–
Cashier: Hey. I’m not five.
KD: Oh, I just–
Cashier: Oh, you just? You just what? Thought because I was a cashier I’d just be ripping on your unfortunate name? Is that it? Because people in the food service industry aren’t above that? Hah?
KD: No. I’ll um. Just take my wafers.
[Cashier turns and punts his wafers to the ceiling. The box hits the ceiling and comes down.]
Cashier: There. Now no one can have them.
[KD stands in shock.]
Cashier: Just– just get out of here. [beat] Dickhead.
[KD swings around, excited.]
Cashier: I said “Dickhead,” not “dickface.” What? Get out of here. Goddammit.
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EMCEE: All right! Please welcome to the stage…a cup of Butternut Squash Soup!!
[booing]
SOUP: [walks up to stage] Mic’s a little short, hah? Hm? HMMM???? No? Little help? I’m a cup. Of soup. No? No help? That’s cool. I’ll just yell.
CROWD MEMBER: BOOOO.
SOUP: I know, Halloween, right? [pause] Sure, jokes. Seriously, what kind of soup am I? Why people gotta keep ordering me? I’m like weird!
CROWD LADY: Go back to the kitchen.
SOUP: Right, I know. How about other soups? Like mushroom cream? Hm? Sounds gay.
GAY AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m gay.
SOUP: Aren’t we all?
GAY AUDIENCE MEMBER: You suck!
SOUP: Not as much as you, am I right C-R-O-W-D!?
[Gay audience member pulls out a gun and begins shooting the soup.]
SOUP: You have poor aim!
EMCEE: [running back on stage] All right, let’s hear it for soup. You can stop shooting a gun now.
[soup gets shot and spills out]
EMCEE: Well. That’s fine.
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Monday October 23rd 2006, 12:45 pm
Filed under: Sketches
Here’s an excerpt from the worst sketch I ever wrote. It goes on for four pages after this:
utoring!
JACK
PHIL
JIMMY “JAM JAM”
THERESA
[Jack closes his book and sits up.]
JACK: Ah. Finally done.
[he goes to lay down to sleep. Two dudes, Phil and JAM JAM run in screaming]
JAM JAM/PHIL: I take you to the candy shop. I let you lick my lollipop!!
PHIL: Fiddy Cent is so for real!
JAM JAM: Ahhh he raps!
JACK: Hey guys!
PHIL: Yo JACKAAAAAAAAAAY!
JAM JAM: Lemme hear you holla!!!!!
JACK: Guys, please.
JAM JAM: LEMME HEAR YOU HOLLA!
JACK: I don’t want to “holla.
JAM JAM: You gon’ holla or I’m gon’ cut yo face off.
[they stare at him, hungry-like]
JACK: [coughs] Holla.
JAM JAM/ PHIL: HOLLAAAAAAAAA!
JACK: Okay. OKAY! What’s going on guys, I’m trying to sleep.
PHIL: Yo….we need help wif our english papers.
JAM JAM: For real– I got some MAAAD syntax issues.
JACK: Listen guys. I don’t know.
PHIL: We gonna fail outta school!
JAM JAM: I think of you as my father.
JACK: But I’m older than you.
JAM JAM: True. But not in years.
JACK: No. you were born before me.
[pause]
JAM JAM: Yo don’t make me make you holla again!
PHIL: Come on Jack. real quick. We even wrote em, we just need them
meditated.
JACK: Meditated?
PHIL: Yeah like you fix our spelling.
JACK: You mean edited.
JAM JAM: Man fuck you!
PHIL: Yo chill, chill. Yeah, that’s what we mean. Anyway, here check them
out man.
[they hand Jack papers]
JACK: All right, whatever. Sitdown. [he begins to read] Hamlet was this mad
ill play. Check it, dude’s
dad died and Ham said, shit man, I’ma fuck my uncle up–you know cause now
homie be fuckin my
moms. So he does like this play, which is like symbolism cause it’s a play to
PHIL: Yo that’s mad real!
JACK: Wow. Okay, Jimmy–
JAM JAM: Yo that ain’t my name.
JACK: Okay…JAM-JAM…where’s yours? [he hands Jack a piece of paper with a
picture of a gun with
blood on it.] Jam-jam? This is just a picture of a gun stained with blood.
JAM JAM: Yeah man that’s a potrait of the modern day ghetto hamlet. Bitch
woulda glocked his uncle.
JACK: Yes, true. What was the paper topic actually about?
[Phil hands him another piece of paper]
JACK: Explain the three dilemmas Hamlet faces in the play. Hamlet is not only
struggling with the death
of his father but with something much greater. Keeping these dilemmas in
mind, what was
Shakespeare’s intent in demonstrating Hamlet’s plight? [pause] Are you
kidding me?
PHIL: We didn’t do that?
JACK: Jesus. Okay, here take some notes. Hamlet was dealing with the death
of his father, which
happens in the beginning of the play. He comes home from college, so he’s got
to take a leave and
then there’s the love interest Ophelia…
JAM JAM: Yo she’s got the bomb-ass pussy!
[there’s a knock at the door]
JACK: Hang on. [he walks over to the door and opens it. It is his
girlfriend] Hey. Come on in.
THERESA: Who are those guys? They look familiar.
JACK: Oh, no. They’re just these guys I help out with their English papers.
It won’t be long.
[they walk over]
JACK: Guys, this is my girlfriend Theresa, theresa this is–
[they jump up]
PHIL: Bitch, you fine.
JAM JAM: Shit girl, you got an ass like the last of the Mohiccans.
PHIL: Yo what does that mean?
“,1] ); //–>begin with and he makes
his uncle drink poison through his ear. this shit is for real. [pauses]
That’s it?
PHIL: Yo that’s mad real!
JACK: Wow. Okay, Jimmy–
JAM JAM: Yo that ain’t my name.
JACK: Okay…JAM-JAM…where’s yours? [he hands Jack a piece of paper with a
picture of a gun with
blood on it.] Jam-jam? This is just a picture of a gun stained with blood.
JAM JAM: Yeah man that’s a potrait of the modern day ghetto hamlet. Bitch
woulda glocked his uncle.
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Thursday October 12th 2006, 1:01 pm
Filed under: Sketches, Internet
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Thursday September 21st 2006, 7:35 am
Filed under: Sketches, Shows.
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Saturday August 26th 2006, 11:28 am
Filed under: Sketches
Most of the time if a sketch of mine gets rejected from seeing the stage is because it’s far too absurd which translates to: it makes absolutely no sense. this is for sure one of them:
Pizza Shop.
[Steve walks into a Pizza place. Todd is behind the counter looking sweet.]
STEVE: Can I have two slices of cheese, please?
[Todd takes a pause looks at Steve and then knocks everything off the counter in a fit of rage]
STEVE: Oh, okay. Guess I’ll come back.
[Steve begins to walk out]
[Todd grunts. Steve shrugs and Todd grunts again, harder. Steve turns around]
TODD: What’s your name?
STEVE: Steve.
TODD: Well fuck you, Steve.
STEVE: Okay, cool. [begins to walk away again]
[Todd comes out from behind the counter]
TODD: Don’t you walk away from me.
STEVE: Look I don’t want–
TODD: Look me in the eyes.
STEVE: Seriously–
TODD: Eyes. Look.
[Steve does so]
[After a pause Todd slaps steve across the face and turns away, stroking his chin and thinking]
TODD: I like you Steve. You’re hired.
STEVE: But I didn’t apply.
TODD: [quickly] I will kill you. I will hang you from a building I own and demolish it. [beat, moves in] Do you know how many buildings I own?
STEVE: seven.
TODD: FUCK! SHIT! [he runs over to a phone] Hello. What? Don’t talk like that to me. I don’t speak Esperanto. Oh, now you’re laughing. Guess what? I’m not. Listen. LISTEN. He knows too much. Who? WHO?! Steve! Fuckin Steve! Yes the same Steve. [he looks over at him and whispers something,
who knows what’s next?!] He knows there are seven buildings!
STEVE: It was just a guess.
TODD: You think Hitler guessed?
STEVE: On what?
TODD: GRRRRR!
STEVE: Look- I don’t need pizza–or a job, okay. I’m just going to leave.
TODD: The doors are sealed shut, Steve.
STEVE: No they’re not–look. [he opens a door]
TODD: [throws hands out at him and makes a whooshing noise]
STEVE: What did you just do?
TODD: You’ll find out in January.
[steve walks out, confused. Malfoy walks in]
MALFOY: Hey, can I get a slice of cheese to go?
TODD: Do you know steve?
MALFOY: Steve? The guy who just walked, out steve?
TODD: Yes. The same one.
MALFOY: Yeah, kind of–we went to high school together.
[Todd takes out a gun and shoots malfoy in the head. He waits a second and then runs over to Malfoy and cradles his head]
Tuesday August 22nd 2006, 12:55 pm
Filed under: Sketches
I was sifting through old emails and came across one that contained the setlist to the first ever sketch-show I was in. It was 2002 and I think me and Leif wrote most of them. They were horrific.
“Here In Heaven”
Synopsis: Judas and Jesus play video games in heaven. God scolds Jesus for keeping the car out too late.
“Jesus buys a car”
Jesus has troubles renting a car. He proves it by turning water into wine. Some yells “I’m gonna nail your skinny ass to some wood!”
“Teletubbies”
The teletubbies have a pre-show readthrough. And OF COURSE one is a drunk, one is a pervert and one is very happy to be there. The director is pretentious. Hilarity…never ensues.
“Cooking with arnold”
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a live cooking show. He kills Emeril with a stick of pepperoni.
“18 year old grandpa”
An 18-year-old college freshman with a rapid aging disease tries to do keg stands. Triple har-s.
“Frat Bee”
Frat dudes partake in a spelling bee. One of the participant’s majors was: masturbation.
“Crazy Dancin’”
A family dances a lot at a formal dinner. To hardcore rap. When we actually performed this sketch, the CD didn’t play so I ran over to a microphone and started singing into it and then it turned into a sketch about a guy breaking into someone’s home and singing during dinner.
Heart of Gold:
:30 second blackout sketch. A man has a heart literally made of gold and dies because of this affliction.
“Pledge pin”
Me and Leif dress up as sorority girls on treadmills and talk about giving guys blow jobs or something. This was THE most requested sketch we ever did.
Of course there just HAD to be two sketches involving Jesus.
