My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

Uh oh.
Monday September 04th 2006, 6:50 am
Filed under: Stories, Interviews

Irony.

Quote from my good friend: “Somehow, that is so satisfying.”



Interview with a Waffle Slowly Turning Chinese.
Saturday September 02nd 2006, 7:47 am
Filed under: Interviews

[show fades back in from commercial.  Jake is sitting in a chair, waffle opposite him.  Everyone is very happy because this will be a wonderful interview.]

JAKE: And welcome back to Jake!. Today we are talking with…a waffle!

[cheers from crowd, some of them die.]

WAFFLE: He-rro. I mean–Hello.

JAKE: Uh-oh!  Something crazy is happening.  Waffle, tell us, why did you turn down the Academy Award this year.

WAFFLE:Well, Jake…I am a strong supporter of Asian-American rights and I don’t think that the MPAA represents Asian-Americans the way they should.

JAKE: Waffle!  You’re a waffle!

WAFFLE: I know. I don’t know why I just said that.  Dumplings?

JAKE: Sure!  For everyone!

WAFFLE: Down with Mao!

JAKE: Waffle?

WAFFLE: Give me math problems to solve!  Quickly!

JAKE: [writes down a math problem, hands to Waffle. Waffle writes furiously]

WAFFLE: 49! 49! [he gets up and begins to destroy things]

JAKE: Uh-oh!  [giggles]

WAFFLE: I need grasses!  I reed grasses!

JAKE: Grasses, you say?!  [gets crowd to whoop like Aresenio]

WAFFLE: So my eyes see better!

JAKE: You don’t have eyes!

[crowd does the wave]

WAFFLE: RAR!!!!!  [lazer beams emit from eyes]

JAKE: This show will win an Emmy!  Am I right?!

CROWD: You are right!!!!!!!!!!!

JAKE: Let’s slam dance!

[everyone really does start slam dancing]

[Waffle flies out of the building because Chinese people and animals can fly regardless of the fact that most don’t have wings.  It’s just an innate quaility.]



An Interview with a Man who is Slowly being eaten by an Ogre.
Wednesday December 07th 2005, 7:21 am
Filed under: Interviews

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An Interview with Ares. (God of War)
Wednesday November 02nd 2005, 3:39 pm
Filed under: Interviews

[Jake and Ares sit in a hotel room in director’s chairs. There is a nice spread of Danishes, coffee and fruit. Ares is chewing on some metal he found in the bathroom. The interview is definitely for Dateline.]

JAKE: So Ares, as the one-time God of War, how do you perceive the current events abroad? The war in Iraq, terror alerts and all.

ARES: The rivers will run red with the blood of man!

JAKE: That’s so true. Now, I don’t know about you, but–I just loved that movie “Troy.” Brad Pitt didn’t even have to wear that metal muscle thing but that’s besides the point. Do you feel movies like “Troy,” and “Gladiator,” represent your kind well?

ARES: [grabs Jake by the neck] Infidel! You’ve seen the last of this land. Draw your sword and let me bestow my hatred upon you.

JAKE: Ooh, Ares! You should audition for one of those movies. [Jake falls to the ground] Whoop! There goes my back!

ARES: The women of this city are not safe.

JAKE: Uh-oh! Have we got a lady killer on our hands?

ARES: I will feast on the living tonight. Tonight–the flesh will burn our lips and throats!

JAKE: My, Ares. You’re quite a wordsmith.

ARES: [Looks deep into Jake’s eyes. The ceiling opens.]

JAKE: Oh, dear. Did it just get drafty in here?

ARES: [Hands to the sky, lightining bolts enter hands.] To the Gods walking this earth: you shall know my name! The Great War is upon us!

JAKE: Ares, I think we’re running out of time here BUT I want to thank you so so much for–

ARES: SILENCE.

JAKE: [Makes a lip-zipper motion and giggles. He leans over to his producer and whispers] He is so handsome.

[Ares flies into the sky. The world explodes into nothing-ness.]

JAKE: Here we go again!


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