Friday November 30th 2007, 3:05 pm
Filed under: Stories

ANNCR: OH MAN IT’S A GUY WHO FINDS SOME DINOS!
GUY: Over there. I see one. [points]
[a guy walks out clapping and proud and hugs him]
LIGHTS!

#2
ANNCR: LOOK AT HIM GO FIND THEM DINOS!
GUY: Where could it be? Look under your chair…this dinosaur could be…anywhere…
AUDIENCE: Hey! You didn’t tell us where the dinosaur is! That’s pretty vague.
GUY: Shh! Look in your ear.
AUDIENCE: No. A dinosaur is not in my—
GUY: Shh! Your ear hears more than just words.
AUDIENCE: What? You’re [begins fidgeting] Oh. OH MY. [pulls dino out of his ear] JESUS CHRIST.
#3
ANNCR: CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WAY THIS GUY FINDS DINOSAURS?!?!?
GUY: [lights come up on him having sex with a Dino] I’m fucking one!

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5 Comments

conversation I wish would happen in my office.

Wednesday November 28th 2007, 9:37 am
Filed under: Stories

[Jake typing at his desk, boss walks up.]

BOSS: Hey, Jake. Just so you know, a cougar is working in our office today.

[Boss walks away]

JAKE: Wait– what?

BOSS: Yeah. He’s just a temp. Calm the fuck down.

JAKE: A real, live, actual cougar?

BOSS: Jesus Christ, yes. Yes, yes, yes. What the fuck? It’s a cougar. Get over it.

JAKE: Will it kill me?

BOSS: I don’t know. Maybe. I think. Just…shut up.

JAKE: But, I–

BOSS: Go take a lunch.

JAKE: I’m…not hungry.

BOSS: Yes you are.

JAKE: Ok.

BOSS: Ok? Man. Where’d you go to school? Stupid Tech?

JAKE: Yes. I went there.

2 Comments

Rejected Sketches #007

Sunday November 25th 2007, 11:12 am
Filed under: Stories

*I think I’d been reading a lot of Arthur Miller plays at the time this was written. That would explain why everyone is angry and mysterious and the end hangs. Apologies. I am certainly no Arthur Miller.
[Jim is sitting in a diner looking pensive. He taps impatiently. A man comes out. It is Fred]

FRED: Here’s your coffee.

JIM: Who says I wanted coffee?

FRED: [begins to take it away] Who says I wanted to give you coffee? [takes away]

JIM: Turns out I do want coffee.

FRED: Good. [puts it down on the table] That’ll be 900 dollars.

JIM: Good. Do you take novelty checks?

FRED: Yes. Yes we do.

[Jim pulls out a novelty check and hands it to Fred. Fred takes it and walks away. Jim sips the coffee slowly and waits. Fred walks back out.]

FRED: Your check bounced.

JIM: How ‘bout I bounce your face?

FRED: I might like that.

JIM: Or how about I pay with this wire hanger?

FRED: I’ll have to run it through the system.

JIM: [quickly] You do that.

[Fred leaves]

[Dr. Steve walks up. He looks mysterious]

DR.STEVE: You need a loan?

JIM: I need a what?

DR.STEVE: A loan. To pay off the coffee.

JIM: I don’t need your loans.

[Fred comes out]

FRED: This wire hanger expired. It ain’t worth nothing.

JIM: Good. Cause I don’t want to pay for this coffee.

FRED: How about you pay for this store then?

JIM: Maybe I will then.

FRED: Yeah, maybe you will.

JIM: Yeah, maybe I’ll turn it into a dueling piano bar.

DR. STEVE: I’d definitely go to that.

[they both stare at Dr. Steve as the lights slowly fade. They come back up quickly and a voice yells “Six Months Later…” They are both playing small casio keyboards and 12-bar blues are coming out of each. It sounds terrible. They both stare at each other angrily while they play and Dr. Steve sits in the middle, tapping his foot.]

DR. STEVE: I told you I’d come.

[they continue playing tepid piano as the lights fade again]

[No one is laughing]

1 Comment

Thanksgiving Dinner With People Who have no heads.

Saturday November 24th 2007, 5:37 pm
Filed under: Stories, Cooking

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Monday November 19th 2007, 1:11 pm
Filed under: Stories, Sketches

[A man, Phillip, is sitting, reading quietly in a cafe. The entire cafe is empty, tables and chairs scattered about. Another man, Terry, walks in and walks up to Phillip and points to an empty chair at Phillip’s table.]

TERRY: You using this chair?

PHILLIP: [looking around, noticing ten other empty chairs.] Well, there’s plenty of chairs here.

TERRY: [quickly] Hey. I didn’t ask for a map of this coffee shop. I asked if you were using this chair. Now…are you using this chair?

PHILLIP: No, but–

TERRY: Thank you.

PHILLIP: But why do–

TERRY: [firm] THANK. YOU.

[Terry walks away without a chair and sits down at a table with his wife, Lisa, who is standing. She is also pregnant. She consoles him as he looks furious. He’s sobbing while she consoles him. Phillip walks over, confused]

PHILLIP: I’m sorry, but did you need that chair?

TERRY: No.

PHILLIP: Because it’s really not a problem.

LISA: Haven’t you done enough?

[Phillip walks away and sits back down.]

PHILLIP: You know– you could just have your wife sit down where you’re sitting.

TERRY: She’s not my wife.

[Phillip returns to his book but then notices the chair has sprouted arms, eyes, eyebrows and a mouth. It’s frowning and shaking it’s chair-head.]

PHILLIP: What?

CHAIR: Prick.

[The Chair knocks over Phillip’s coffee and it spills on the floor. Chair starts inching away towards Lisa and Terry]

PHILLIP: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

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