My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

failed book idea #1
Friday August 24th 2007, 9:37 am
Filed under: Stories, General, wish list

I once had the thought I’d write a book called “Very Reasonable Facts.” It would be a book of claims I would prove though actual facts. Many people told me this was a terrible idea and I tended to agree but still think it’s not terribly awful.

FACTS TO PROVE:

I powered an entire steam-engine train for two days straight just by standing in the doorway.

You can start any Mazda car with a fork.

Canada has endless borders

Something about crayfish?

If you play any recording of Henry Kissinger backwards, it will reveal who he has killed.

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    rejected sketches, #006
    Thursday August 23rd 2007, 1:31 pm
    Filed under: Sketches

    [Lenny is sitting on a chair. He’s in a fair amount of pain. Todd is pacing back and forth to his left.]

    TODD: I just can’t believe you did that!

    [Samantha walks in and puts down her purse]

    SAMANTHA: What happened? What did he do?

    TODD: He ate a light bulb.

    SAMANTHA: WHAT!?

    LENNY: There was nothing else to eat!

    SAM: So you unscrewed one of the two lightbulbs we have inside this apartment and ate it?

    LENNY: So?

    SAM: Have you ever eaten a lighbulb before?

    LENNY: No.

    SAM: Then why start now?

    LENNY: Yeah. Okay. Why start anything?

    TODD: This doesn’t make sense, man. It’s not like we’ve never run out of food before.

    LENNY: Yeah, okay. I’m Todd I don’t make mistakes.

    SAM: It’s not like you were fooled into thinking a lightbulb was food. Why didn’t you go down to the corner store?

    LENNY: Yeah– where were you when I put glass in my mouth?

    TOOD: See! That’s the thing. You understand it was stupid.

    LENNY: Yeah, and now I’m going to shit glass.

    SAM: If you don’t die first.

    LENNY: Yeah…

    [they all share a laugh. like, a nice one.]

    [Lenny keels over and dies. Sam and Todd look at each other terrified.]

    TODD: [scared] DONT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE FUTURE!

    [Sam puts her hands over her mouth. Finally she blurts something out]

    SAM: It’s going to rain!

    [thunder sounds, lights flicker.]

    TODD: Okay that wasn’t that bad–

    SAM: Your voice is going to turn into constantly changing FM radio stations!

    TODD: No–

    [static SFX. bunch of radio liners / songs. Todd’s mouth wide open, he looks panicked.]

    SAM: Your transmitter is going to go down and your hand will turn into a gun??

    TODD: Oh thank you! [notices gun in hand points it at himself] Oh, shit.

    SAM: Don’t do anything crazy.

    TODD: Fuck, fuck! What do you see?

    SAM: Uh…Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?

    TODD: Well, okay…it is 11:33, Saturday night…

    [gun goes off, Todd dies.]

    SAM: Oh. Uh…Todd comes back to life?

    V/O FROM BOOTH: Nope.

    SAM: Who is that?

    V/O: The person that’s always right.

    SAM: Jesus?

    V/O: AHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAH….[beat] Yes.

    [Lights]


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    SUNS 94, RAPTORS 87
    Wednesday August 22nd 2007, 12:10 pm
    Filed under: Stories

    AP-

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    To the game. The first half was brutal. UNFORTUNATELY, sunglasses night at the Air Canada Center was LAST week when the Raptors played the Timberwolves– an endangered nocturnal animal. As you can probably guess, no one wore shades– not even Jesse Jackson who is now blind. (he was at the game because he thought it was some kind of “rally.” Like I said– he’s blind.)

    Six raptors died before realizing touching any sun’s surface would be detrimental to their health. (They all thought it was sun stroke? HaHa? this is hilarious, you should be writing for that “Meet Your Mother” show. -Ed. ) With only three raptors and one Stegosaurus (Sorry, Stegs, you’re just the equipment manager.) The raptors fell short of beating the Suns as they beat down heat upon them.

    Good, I like that ending.
    (me too, but I usually like it when you get a little more racist towards the end. just remember for next time, thx. -Ed.)


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    (laser beam #1 has a thick staten island accent)
    Tuesday August 14th 2007, 5:57 am
    Filed under: Sketches

    laserbeam1: yo, why are you so sad?

    laserbeam2: the war.

    laserbeam1: really, the war?  cause I though you were going to say some shit like “we’re really underutilized.” Or, “why can’t a super villain  find us already?”

    laserbeam2: no.  I’m sad about the war. we should have–

    laserbeam1: [cuts in] all right, jesus.  Really.

    laserbeam2: it’s just–

    laserbeam1: no, I get it.  I get it.  shut up.

    laserbeam2: okay.

    laserbeam1: yeah.  it is.

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    Friday August 10th 2007, 8:12 am
    Filed under: Stories

    [large Martian is sitting patiently in a doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor to return. Doctor enters and sits down behind his desk. The Martian leans forward and if he has eyebrows (unknown) they raise.]

    Doctor: Well…the good news is…you’re still an alien!! [starts laughing hysterically because he’s a real great comedian– catch him down at “Sal’s Comedy Hole” in the Village on Thursday open mics!!!!!!]

    [Martian stands up and freezes the doctor in ice]

    Martian: [if possible, give the martian teeth so he can say this through gritted teeth; like an angry whisper, grr.] What’s the bad news?

    Doctor: [through his suspended ice cave. echo?] Bad news? I’m frozen?

    Martian: Exactly.

    [He walks out.  Doctor probably dies.]



    super drugs.
    Friday August 03rd 2007, 10:20 am
    Filed under: Stories

    I really hate the growing trend of bloggers finding out what keywords people used to arrive at their site and then posting them on their own blog.  It’s annoying and no one really cares and a bullshit way of writing a post.

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    And then he stayed here for two minutes and thirty-four seconds, I guess, hoping to find the truth.

    Well, I hope somewhere deep in these pages you found it.  I really do.  Because, I want you to win that race– cocaine or no cocaine.


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    Why We Like Stauton
    Wednesday August 01st 2007, 11:23 am
    Filed under: Stories


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    Wednesday August 01st 2007, 11:17 am
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