My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

i am very serious about lanterns
Saturday September 30th 2006, 10:41 am
Filed under: Stories

i really, truly am.



sons of bitches.
Friday September 29th 2006, 7:18 am
Filed under: Stories

You know how I ordered an entire CASE (12 big bags) of totally sweet buffalo wing flavored pretzels?

Do you know what local grocery store decided to start carrying them this week?

I don’t know, the one down the street from me that I frequent? Yeah, definitely that one.

Sons of bitches.

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I wish my entire body was a knife
Friday September 29th 2006, 6:42 am
Filed under: Stories


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Hey, Laser Dick.
Thursday September 28th 2006, 10:03 am
Filed under: Stories

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, Audiovox (now UTStarcom), Benefon, BenQ-Siemens, CECT, High Tech Computer Corporation (HTC), Fujitsu, Kyocera, Mitsubishi Electric, NEC, Neonode, Panasonic (Matsushita Electric), Pantech Curitel, Philips, Research In Motion, Sagem, Sanyo, Sharp, Siemens, Sierra Wireless, SK Teletech, Sonim Technologies, T&A Alcatel, Huawei, Trium and Toshiba.

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From here, one can add information such as what a loan title is number for your phone, new Service Provider numbers, new emergency numbers, change their Authentication Key or A-Key code, and update their Preferred Roaming List or PRL.

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We’ve been taking some time off.
Thursday September 28th 2006, 7:11 am
Filed under: Sketches

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

That’s a still from our first ever video sketch.

Hopefully it will be up soon.

Hopefully it will be awesome.



Broiled Cod.
Wednesday September 27th 2006, 7:31 am
Filed under: Stories

Last night, myself, Bobby and Leif, were walking home off the bus when Bobby bet Leif that he couldn’t walk home barefoot. It’s about a quarter of a mile walk on fairly dirty New Jersey streets and Highways.

Leif was up for this challenge and removed his shoes and socks and said that if he made it, he would get to give Bobby a nickname for a week and a half.

Deal.

Leif completed the feat and now Bobby will be known for the next ten days as: “Broiled Cod Cunt.”



Buddy Wood is back!
Tuesday September 26th 2006, 6:39 am
Filed under: Internet

Every so often this random dude sends me instant messages that seem to be snippets of conversations he’s having with someone else and then he demands to know who I am even though he’s started the conversation. This time it got violent and then weird.

It literally started off like this:

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Jake: All right that’s what i like to hear!!!

Buddywood2001: Auto response from Buddywodd2001: uppstairssss

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Jake: Love you too man.

Buddywood2001: who is this goat
Jake: A goat?!?! I am NO goat! shame buddy wood, shame.
Buddywood2001: yes
Jake: Buddy Wood!!
Buddywood2001: Auto-Response from Buddywood2001: uppstairssss

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Jake: let’s not have this conversation again!

Buddywood2001: y

Jake: Well, we’re just at an impasse, don’t you think?

Buddywood2001:ahh not really. Wanna get fucked in ur asshole?

Jake:Buddy Wood! You are just wild today!

Buddywood2001: wow

Jake: Are you offering?

Buddywood2001: yea

Jake:I’m blushing!

Buddywood2001: y

Jake: You have flattered me

Buddywood2001: Auto-Response from Buddywood2001: uppstairssss

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Jake: Buddy wood–let’s just get out of here. Just run away I would love to just watch sunsets with you!

Buddywood2001: yes. no really whos this

Jake: Buddy wood! If you don’t know who this is by now you better AXE someone! Tee Hee! Silly!!!

Buddywood2001: fuck u be4 i beat the balls off u

Jake:Right now?!! On the interweb?! Are you going to cyber-kill me?!

Buddywood2001:stop IM ing me

Jake: YOU im-ed me.

Buddywood2001:ok i ddint

Jake: OK you DID Shoot girl!

Buddywood2001: gimmie it

Jake: What is “it” ?

Buddywood2001: a tree

Jake: Are we really at that stage in our relationship, Buddy Wood?

Buddywood2001: shh

Jake: Who’s watching us? Uh-oh! Police!

Buddywood2001: mommy. She’s been bad. [Ed. note: this was the point where buddy wood’s mescaline kicked in.]

Buddywood2001: Auto-Response from Buddywood2001: uppstairssss

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Jake: UPSTAIRSSS! The attic, where we just forget about life for awhile We’re just lone teenagers drifting off, aren’t we? Is that a cloud? Does it matter?

Buddywood2001 has now gone offline


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A very big box of pretzels
Tuesday September 26th 2006, 6:29 am
Filed under: Stories, Cooking

was delivered to my apartment yesterday.

They are buffalo wing flavored. And I’m pretty much set on everything so no one ever needs to talk to me ever again.

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“extortionate overcharging”
Monday September 25th 2006, 1:37 pm
Filed under: Internet

” ‘Based on general life experience alone, it is indisputably clear that a 25,500 euro charge is disproportionate to the compensation in question,’ Judge Hasse Hakki, who heard the case, told Reuters Friday.”

Brilliant.



I just HAVE to make business deals on my cellphone while riding on the bus every morning.
Monday September 25th 2006, 7:02 am
Filed under: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!, People I hate.

These goddamn bus seats are just magnetic! The second I sit down my Motorolla Razr just flies out of my pocket and into my hand! Wait, I just have to check my email via phone. Checking it on a computer screen is so 90’s alt-rock.

Well, here I go dialing! I can’t wait to say phrases like “Get that money baby!” and “The waitstaff at [very hip sushi restaurant] was soooo slow.” Hold on, you just said something shocking to me on the other line. I am going to sit forward in my bus-seat and take off my Christian Dior glasses because everyone is definitely watching me and wondering what my next move is.

Yes, that’s right, rest of the bus. I am emoting. Over business deals. All of this is very shocking to me and I want answers now. Wait, let me check my email while I’m still on the phone. That could be Coca-Cola emailing! I’m just going to say things like “uh-huh, oh yeah totes,” and “it is so not pre-fab,” while I actually check my email. RC-Cola wants to sponsor my fall fashion line? Yeah right, cunts! My nine leather bracelets are really awesome.

Well, I’m going to have to hang up now and then half-turn to the person next to me and roll my eyes to try and get their attention. Boy, I hope they see me so I can tell them how successful I am and how wonderful my business is! My own business. Wow, I am really getting that paper. Did the other guy see me eye roll? I hope so!

Oh. He’s spitting on me.

Is that in now? Is spitting the new black? I’m going to assume it is.

Here I go, I’m going to spit on the bus-driver on my way out to say thanks!

Hm. That did not go well. These cuffs are uncomfortable! But…oh yes. NEXT RUNWAY SHOW! MODELS IN CUFFS! BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST TRAPPED IN CHARMED LIVES AND CANNOT AND WILL NOT GET OUT! THEY ARE IN THE PRISONS OF THEIR OWN COLLECTIVE MINDS! I AM A GODDAMN GENIUS!



I rode on a PLANE TODAY.
Sunday September 24th 2006, 8:30 pm
Filed under: Stories


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Mobile phone usage is banned in some countries, such as North Korea and restricted in some other countries such as Burma.

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I run the local Orange Julius Stand
Saturday September 23rd 2006, 3:55 pm
Filed under: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

And I want you to know that I’m not giving out freebies. Yeah, I know you’re from my high school and that’s all the more reason you’re not going to get a free bev. Yeah. I am successful. I decide how much Julius goes in and how much DOESN’T. Look at my elbows. Look at them. The Lord God hand-crafted these elbows.

So sure stand at my Orange J stand but don’t fucking call it an orange J stand because you don’t work here and I won’t hire you because no one works as hard as me, Maurice Cheeks. Yeah. My name is the same as a basketball coach. But guess what? I work harder than him. I squeeze these oranges myself. I listen to Semisonic while I do it. You don’t know me. That album is a great album. It’s very layered, okay?

Okay. And if you don’t believe me, I will come to your house and shit in your sink.


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Hey fags!
Friday September 22nd 2006, 5:30 pm
Filed under: Stories

YOU ARE ALL FAGGOTS!

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work it out.
Thursday September 21st 2006, 7:35 am
Filed under: Sketches, Shows.


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AMF Ventures measured in 2007 medical websites patients loans for accuracy of three mass media, and found that audience measures on mobile were nine times more accurate than on the internet and 90 times more accurate than on TV.

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As countrywide missouri home loans call charges diminished and phone adoption rates skyrocketed, more modern operators decided not to charge for incoming calls.

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Mobile phone use on aircraft is also prohibited and many airlines claim in their in-plane announcements that this prohibition is due to possible interference with aircraft radio communications.

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Worst. Band. Ever.
Wednesday September 20th 2006, 7:03 am
Filed under: General, Internet


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A very arbitrary list.
Tuesday September 19th 2006, 11:48 am
Filed under: Lists


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Most mobile internet access is much different from computer access, featuring alerts, weather data, e-mail, search engines, instant messages, and game and music downloading; most mobile internet access is hurried and short.

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I refuse to make a “Sexyback” joke.
Monday September 18th 2006, 9:40 pm
Filed under: Internet

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Apparently Justin Timberlake’s album is so good, it’s in the top 5 twice.



Inner Thoughts from a man While
Monday September 18th 2006, 10:20 am
Filed under: Stories

I don’t really know why I’m doing this. Hmm. Well, this is pretty difficult. Not much taste to this. Should’ve eaten stained glass, am I right? Right!?!

Shit. Shit, that did not feel good. Still feeling terrible. Did I tivo “How I Met Your Mother,” ? I really hope I did. Ow. Seriously, ow. This is a very stupid thing I’m doing. I would assume people who actually do eat glass probably have some kind of trick.

What am I doing with my life? I mean what am I really doing with my life. Yes, I’m eating glass right now but–oh shit. There’s Stephanie. God, she looks great. I should really say somoething to her. Wait–wait, my mouth is filled with blood. I’m just going to smile. Here she comes…smile you bastard…

Damn. No eye contact. Maybe she’s just intimidated by me.

No, that’s not it. I really should sit down. This pain is increasing. I shouldn’t have done this at my desk. Yeah, I really shouldn’t have done this at work. A nap would be nice now. Also, opening my mouth would be nice now that I’ve swallowed a chunk of glass. But then there’s blood…this is a really interesting post on Gawker. Ha! Wow, they are really on point.

Hm. Maybe I’ll go to lunch—

[He dies!!!!!]

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These are amazing.
Sunday September 17th 2006, 7:50 pm
Filed under: Stories

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I’ve been thinking.
Saturday September 16th 2006, 7:10 am
Filed under: Stories

I’d love to meet a cougar that’s not neccessarily committed to being a cougar.  Just kind of an indifferent mountain cat that’d be happy just hanging out.



Three boots.
Friday September 15th 2006, 6:36 am
Filed under: Stories

My friend Bone is driving to Michigan today but has to encounter our neighbors to the north. This is what he had to say about it:

Jake: Are you driving to Detroit by yourself tonight?

Bone: Yeah. I’m going to be driving through Canada with my middle finger up all the way through.

Jake: That’s incredible.

Bone: Get used to it.


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This is hilarious.
Thursday September 14th 2006, 2:06 pm
Filed under: Stories


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Meh.
Wednesday September 13th 2006, 7:55 am
Filed under: Stories


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One Good Thing I Will Say…
Tuesday September 12th 2006, 5:37 am
Filed under: General

…about the company I work for is that music is blasting through the halls as you’re heading up the stairs every morning. Most of the time it’s a terrible pop song but sometimes you hit it just right and feel triumphant as you walk past the main desk.

Today was one of those days.

Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel tickled my ears as I climbed up to my final destination.

Rejoice!

Here are the mainly nonsensical lyrics to that very song:

Solsbury hill

Climbing up on solsbury hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night

He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice

I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart was going boom boom, boom
Son, he said, grab your things, Ive come to take you home.

To keeping silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Tho my life was in a rut
till I thought of what Id say
Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart was going boom boom boom
Hey, he said, grab your things, Ive come to take you home.
Yeah back home

When illusion spin her net
Im never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free

Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes, but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me

Today I dont need a replacement
Ill tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart was going boom boom boom
Hey, I said, you can keep my things, theyve come to take me home.

Those lyrics make absolutely no sense and yet so much sense all at the same time.



Conversations with Hettler #010
Monday September 11th 2006, 7:56 am
Filed under: Stories, Conversations with Hettler

Tim: I just witnessed my dog licking its own butt.

Jake: That’s impressive.

Tim: I know! I mean–I’d do it if I could.

Jake: Definitely.

Tim: Wait, that came out wrong.

Jake: Nope, it came out just right.

Tim: Yeah. Who am I kidding?

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PYSCH! (Sike?)
Sunday September 10th 2006, 12:51 pm
Filed under: Stories

AHAHAHA IM NOT EATING BEES

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Killer Bees.
Saturday September 09th 2006, 8:41 am
Filed under: Stories

Tomorrow I am going for the Guiness Book of World Records for most Killer Bees eaten in one sitting.



Bonkers.
Friday September 08th 2006, 11:41 am
Filed under: Stories


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NECK RAPE.
Thursday September 07th 2006, 7:16 pm
Filed under: Cooking

I think this is a great name for a band.

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What?  You don’t agree?



Thursday September 07th 2006, 6:55 am
Filed under: Traffic

ANNCR: Don’t you think it’s time?!?!

DYING FROG: I really do.

ANNCR: Ho! Let’s get a truck and move to the great plains!

DYING FROG: If that means I didn’t have to die…

ANNCR: You’re a dying frog! A dyin’ frog doin’ today’s traffic! Hoooooo! WKLX! JAMZ! JAMZ WITH A Z!

DYING FROG: Hello, Tri-State area. Yes, I am a dying frog. And yes, as part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, I am doing today’s traffic. [big sigh] Well, this isn’t as glamorous as I’d imagined. You see–

[Program Director bursts into the room with a big old gun]

PD: I love hunting frogs!

DYING FROG: No, don’t!

PD: Yes, do!

[Yeah, the PD definitely shoots the frog. No, I said DEFINITELY.]

PD: [holding frog up] Wheel in the sky keeps on turning!

ANNCR: The buck don’t stop here!


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