My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

put your party pants on…
Thursday August 31st 2006, 12:52 pm
Filed under: Internet

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

It’s time to get stalked by ogres!



YES.
Thursday August 31st 2006, 5:43 am
Filed under: Stories

There’s no better way to start a morning by seeing a marching band stream out of a subway. I am very pumped.

If anyone reading this wants to get playfully tackled, please call me.


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thank you for wasting thirty seconds of my life.
Wednesday August 30th 2006, 7:47 am
Filed under: Stories

This girl who I suppose is temping in my office noticed I had a picture of christopher Walken inside my cubicle.

she then said “Oh my God, do you want me to get a picture of his son for you?” (because she knows his son)

No, and please don’t ever talk to me again. (is what I should have said but instead just awkwardly stared at her until she walked away).

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Since
Wednesday August 30th 2006, 6:24 am
Filed under: General

Good Morning. Here are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone,” with the word HAM and variations of this word replacing some of the actual words in the song

Here’s the thing we started off HAMS
It was cool but it was all HAM
Ham, Ham
Since you’ve been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn’t long till I called you Ham Guy
Yeah Yeah
Since you’ve been Ham

And all you’d ever hear me say
Is how I pictured Ham on bread.
That’s all you’d ever hear me say

But since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first Ham
Im so movin on
Yeah, Ham!
Thanks to you
Now I get
Plenty of Ham
Since you’ve been gone.

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that Ham Pie
Yeah yeah
Since you’ve Ham gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way
(Background Singers: HAAAAM!)

But since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on (to other Ham products)
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I Ham
I HAM, HAM, HAM, HAAAAM
Since you’ve been GAY (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!)

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can’t take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you, Ham is affordable!)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you’ve been gone
Since you’ve been gone
Since you’ve smoked Ham

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Horse!
Tuesday August 29th 2006, 3:38 am
Filed under: Stories

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GROUND BREAKING NEWS.
Monday August 28th 2006, 7:11 am
Filed under: Stories

DEAR GOD NO

PEOPLE USE CELL PHONES TO ANSWER THE QUESTION: “DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?” AND THEY ALSO TALK ON THESE DEVICES.

WHY

WE NEED TO FIX THIS.

LETS GO TO PIZZA HUT.



Turn it up a little higher, radio.
Sunday August 27th 2006, 7:31 am
Filed under: Stories


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Rejected Sketches #004
Saturday August 26th 2006, 11:28 am
Filed under: Sketches

Most of the time if a sketch of mine gets rejected from seeing the stage is because it’s far too absurd which translates to: it makes absolutely no sense. this is for sure one of them:

Pizza Shop.

[Steve walks into a Pizza place. Todd is behind the counter looking sweet.]

STEVE: Can I have two slices of cheese, please?

[Todd takes a pause looks at Steve and then knocks everything off the counter in a fit of rage]

STEVE: Oh, okay. Guess I’ll come back.

[Steve begins to walk out]

[Todd grunts. Steve shrugs and Todd grunts again, harder. Steve turns around]

TODD: What’s your name?

STEVE: Steve.

TODD: Well fuck you, Steve.

STEVE: Okay, cool. [begins to walk away again]

[Todd comes out from behind the counter]

TODD: Don’t you walk away from me.

STEVE: Look I don’t want–

TODD: Look me in the eyes.

STEVE: Seriously–

TODD: Eyes. Look.

[Steve does so]

[After a pause Todd slaps steve across the face and turns away, stroking his chin and thinking]

TODD: I like you Steve. You’re hired.

STEVE: But I didn’t apply.

TODD: [quickly] I will kill you. I will hang you from a building I own and demolish it. [beat, moves in] Do you know how many buildings I own?

STEVE: seven.

TODD: FUCK! SHIT! [he runs over to a phone] Hello. What? Don’t talk like that to me. I don’t speak Esperanto. Oh, now you’re laughing. Guess what? I’m not. Listen. LISTEN. He knows too much. Who? WHO?! Steve! Fuckin Steve! Yes the same Steve. [he looks over at him and whispers something,
who knows what’s next?!] He knows there are seven buildings!

STEVE: It was just a guess.

TODD: You think Hitler guessed?

STEVE: On what?

TODD: GRRRRR!

STEVE: Look- I don’t need pizza–or a job, okay. I’m just going to leave.

TODD: The doors are sealed shut, Steve.

STEVE: No they’re not–look. [he opens a door]

TODD: [throws hands out at him and makes a whooshing noise]

STEVE: What did you just do?

TODD: You’ll find out in January.

[steve walks out, confused. Malfoy walks in]

MALFOY: Hey, can I get a slice of cheese to go?

TODD: Do you know steve?

MALFOY: Steve? The guy who just walked, out steve?

TODD: Yes. The same one.

MALFOY: Yeah, kind of–we went to high school together.

[Todd takes out a gun and shoots malfoy in the head. He waits a second and then runs over to Malfoy and cradles his head]

TODD: WHY GOD WHY

[LIGHTS]

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Come on out tomorrow.
Friday August 25th 2006, 7:39 am
Filed under: Shows.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Improv Comedy Show.
94 St. Marks Place - UNDER St. Mark’s Theatre
Saturday August 26th, 1030PM
$5 byob.
Featuring:
THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES
THE FUTURE MRS. GOLDMAN
&
BEATRICE

Fun!


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fuck it.
Thursday August 24th 2006, 8:05 am
Filed under: Internet

Full story.

Seriously, are they just bored? I understand the reasons but is it really neccessary?

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Celebrities I Could Beat Up #002
Wednesday August 23rd 2006, 8:44 am
Filed under: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!


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A service akin to party line ringing is making alltell ringtones in some small office and home office situations allowing facsimile machines and telephones to share the same line but have different telephone numbers; this CLASS feature is usually called distinctive ringing generically, though carriers assign it trademarked names such as “Smart Ring”, “Duet”, “Multiple Number” and “Ringmaster.

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The first downloadable mobile content was sold to 650 treo ringtones in Finland in 1998, when Radiolinja (now Elisa) introduced the downloadable ringing tone service.

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Tuesday August 22nd 2006, 12:55 pm
Filed under: Sketches

I was sifting through old emails and came across one that contained the setlist to the first ever sketch-show I was in. It was 2002 and I think me and Leif wrote most of them. They were horrific.

“Here In Heaven”
Synopsis: Judas and Jesus play video games in heaven. God scolds Jesus for keeping the car out too late.

“Jesus buys a car”
Jesus has troubles renting a car. He proves it by turning water into wine. Some yells “I’m gonna nail your skinny ass to some wood!”

“Teletubbies”
The teletubbies have a pre-show readthrough. And OF COURSE one is a drunk, one is a pervert and one is very happy to be there. The director is pretentious. Hilarity…never ensues.

“Cooking with arnold”
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a live cooking show. He kills Emeril with a stick of pepperoni.

“18 year old grandpa”
An 18-year-old college freshman with a rapid aging disease tries to do keg stands. Triple har-s.

“Frat Bee”
Frat dudes partake in a spelling bee. One of the participant’s majors was: masturbation.

“Crazy Dancin’”
A family dances a lot at a formal dinner. To hardcore rap. When we actually performed this sketch, the CD didn’t play so I ran over to a microphone and started singing into it and then it turned into a sketch about a guy breaking into someone’s home and singing during dinner.

Heart of Gold:
:30 second blackout sketch. A man has a heart literally made of gold and dies because of this affliction.

“Pledge pin”
Me and Leif dress up as sorority girls on treadmills and talk about giving guys blow jobs or something. This was THE most requested sketch we ever did.

Of course there just HAD to be two sketches involving Jesus.

Had to.

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Monday August 21st 2006, 12:49 pm
Filed under: Traffic

ANNCR: IS IT JUST ME OR DID IT GET A LITTLE MORE “HEZBOLLAH” IN HERE? HM? IT’S JUST ME. WELL, WELL, WELL. HOW ABOUT YOUR TRAFFIC UPDATE WITH…

Loaded Cannon: I am a loaded cannon.

ANNCR: OH NO YOU DIDN’T!

Loaded Cannon: Boom. [pause] Just. Kidding. Okay. Your traffic report. Several horses are backing up the Severna Parkway. Care to join them? There’s a horse parade in town, you know? This is why all major roadways have been shut down to accomodate higher and faster horse traffic.

[The Program Director bursts into the room]

PD: Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing in here?

Loaded Cannon: I’m a loaded cannon. Don’t make me cannonball you.

PD: Aww! A loaded cannon! You’re so cute, let me tickle you.

Loaded Cannon: No.

[PD starts to tickle cannon]

Loaded Cannon: oh, stop. [many giggles] Please, stop. No, I don’t think you understand stop–

[BOOM GOES THE CANNONBALL]

ANNCR: HO! HO! HO! CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE I NEVER CARED FOR ARE NOW DEAD!

[Loaded Cannon looks around in disbelief.]

PD: I’d better check on my muffins.

ANNCR: Life is wild!


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Sweet.
Monday August 21st 2006, 10:28 am
Filed under: Internet

My friend Nick finally has his new site up. You’ve probably seen These before.


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What
Sunday August 20th 2006, 5:15 pm
Filed under: Internet


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Tonight.
Saturday August 19th 2006, 8:56 am
Filed under: Shows.

And then at 1030…walk around the corner to:

Improv Rock Show
St. Mark’s Theatre: 94 St. Mark’s Place
Long form Improv from:
FIEFDOM
THE FUTURE MRS. GOLDMAN
SCOTCHATORY TAPE
$5 byob.

Enjoy your evenings.

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Reasons Why People Should Be Punched In The Throat:
Friday August 18th 2006, 12:43 pm
Filed under: Lists

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, Audiovox (now UTStarcom), Benefon, BenQ-Siemens, CECT, High Tech Computer Corporation (HTC), Fujitsu, Kyocera, Mitsubishi Electric, NEC, Neonode, Panasonic (Matsushita Electric), Pantech Curitel, Philips, Research In Motion, Sagem, Sanyo, Sharp, Siemens, Sierra Wireless, SK Teletech, Sonim Technologies, T&A Alcatel, Huawei, Trium and Toshiba.

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[47][48] epidemiological studies,[49] simulation studies,[50] and meta-analysis[51][52].

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Friday August 18th 2006, 12:37 pm
Filed under: General

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I am going to buy one of these and drop cats on people’s heads.

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The first full internet service on xanax mexico in bars s was i-Mode introduced by NTT DoCoMo in Japan in 1999.

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[13] The availability of prepaid or ‘pay-as-you-go’ services, where the subscriber is not committed to xanax shaking tremors term contract, has helped fuel this growth in Africa as well as in other continents.

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Towers over and xanax suboxone height or towers that are close to airports or heliports are normally required to have warning lights.

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Until the early 1990s, most addiction recovering xanax from s were too large to be carried in addiction recovering xanax from pocket, so they were typically installed in vehicles as car phones.

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Scientific literature is mixed on the dangers of talking on perscription xanax drugs a without prescription versus those of talking with a passenger, with the Accident Research Unit at the University of Nottingham finding that the number of utterances was usually higher for mobile calls when compared to blindfolded and non-blindfolded passengers,[53] but the University of Illinois meta-analysis concluding that passenger conversations were just as costly to driving performance as cell phone ones.

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The first mobile news service, delivered via SMS, was launched in Finland in 2000.

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However, most get lortabs xanaxs drugs online networks operate close to capacity during normal times and spikes in call volumes caused by widespread emergencies often overload get lortabs xanaxs drugs online just when it is needed the most.

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Also, users in the United States can sign up through their provider for free text messages when and xanax heroin Alert goes out for a missing person in their area.


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3 Billion dollars in 2007 and gaming was worth over 5 billion dollars in 2007 (source Netsize Guide 2008).



Hilarious.
Friday August 18th 2006, 6:55 am
Filed under: Stories

I just cut my forearm on my desk.

I am bleeding.

My boss told me I should have the desk “filed down”

UPDATE: This is going to leave a pretty neat scar.

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Another Brilliant Idea.
Thursday August 17th 2006, 12:27 pm
Filed under: Internet

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At least it was finally deemed Unconstitutional.

I really think this program should have been called “Project Thunderstrike Sonic Hearing,” or at least “Robot Ears.”

Maybe then, it could have made it.


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” This feature is also used for xanax deliver phone number assigned to the same physical line for roommates or teenagers, in which case it is sometimes marketed under the name teen line.

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The use of of xanax history is prohibited in some train company carriages.

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A service akin to party line ringing is making xanax substitute in some small office and home office situations allowing facsimile machines and telephones to share the same line but have different telephone numbers; this CLASS feature is usually called distinctive ringing generically, though carriers assign it trademarked names such as “Smart Ring”, “Duet”, “Multiple Number” and “Ringmaster.

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The use of mastercard and xanax s by people who are driving has become increasingly common, either as part of their job, as in the case of delivery drivers who are calling mastercard and xanax or by commuters who are chatting with a friend.

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[47][48] epidemiological studies,[49] simulation studies,[50] and meta-analysis[51][52].

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[50] Meta-analysis by xanax marijuana with Automobile Association[51] and The University of Illinois[52] found that response time while using both hands-free and hand-held phones was approximately 0.

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The $39 xanax became $39 xanax media channel in 1998 when the first ringing tones were sold to $39 xanax s by Radiolinja in Finland.

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Plugs.
Thursday August 17th 2006, 10:24 am
Filed under: General

Three shows this weekend!

1. Cleanest River in America Sketch Comedy
Saturday August 19th, 8PM
RiFiFi NYC - 322 E. 11th Street btwn 1st and 2nd
$5 free shots!

2. THE FUTURE MRS. GOLDMAN
Debut of the BRAND NEW long-form Improv troupe.
Saturday August 19th, 1030PM
UNDER St. Mark’s Theatre - 94 St. Marks Place between 1st and Avenue A
$5 BYOB
w/ Fiefdom Scotchatory Tape

3. Cleanest River in America Sketch Comedy
Sunday August 20th, 7PM
National Comedy Theatre - 347 W. 36th Street between 8th and 9th
$8 cheap beer.


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Why?
Thursday August 17th 2006, 8:17 am
Filed under: Stories

I actually punched myself in the head this morning because I got up so late.

Was this really neccessary?

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Wednesday August 16th 2006, 8:25 am
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Pluto, You Say?
Wednesday August 16th 2006, 6:28 am
Filed under: Internet

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Full Story.

Basically, Space-Nerds are debating whether or not Pluto should stay a planet and whether or not the Solar System has TWELVE planets rather than nine.

Is it really our decision? Can someone just go, on second thought…fuck pluto.

If this is the case, then Cleaveland is not really a town and the Pacific Ocean is actually a blender…by my decree.


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Here We Go.
Tuesday August 15th 2006, 7:56 am
Filed under: Stories


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