My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

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Saturday April 29th 2006, 6:57 am
Filed under: Stories

Sterba.

A sample:

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Friday April 28th 2006, 7:55 am
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Tuesday April 25th 2006, 7:06 am
Filed under: Internet


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I got kicked out of a Best Buy yesterday.
Monday April 24th 2006, 6:11 am
Filed under: Stories

And it was awesome.

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I looked at my tongue in the mirror this morning.
Monday April 24th 2006, 6:01 am
Filed under: Stories

That thing is fuckin’ disgusting.



Yeah!
Friday April 21st 2006, 9:58 am
Filed under: General

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Definitely, yeah!

*that is Journey drummer Steve Smith, by the way, with President of the Aztecs, Eric Goode.


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Thursday April 20th 2006, 9:16 am
Filed under: Stories

The new rage in greetings seems to be “What’s good?”

I have no idea how to respond to this.

What IS good?

My sneakers are okay.


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What? Comedy?
Thursday April 20th 2006, 7:45 am
Filed under: Sketches

I’ve started to do stand-up again and it’s feeling okay. Here’s what a dude said about a show I did last week:

” a short but sweet set from Jake Goldman who surpressed illness and vomiting to make audience members slightly pee their trousers.”

Yes this is true. I was definitely puking during the day. And I STILL did really weird jokes in the basement of a BBQ restaurant.

So! I think this is even more of a reason to see a super-SWEET sketch comedy show TOMORROW! (FRIDAY 7PM) NIGHT!

OH?
Cleanest River in America
Original Sketch Comedy
7PM
154 W.29th Street (between 6th and 7th)
The PIT theater.
Come on out!

Someone might die! Last week we crucified a girl!



Wednesday April 19th 2006, 1:14 pm
Filed under: General, Internet

This is the chorus to the new Bubba Sparxx song: “Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin’ everywhere. Rockin’ everywhere.”

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This is so true. I have found booties rocking everywhere and I DO NOT know how to stop it.

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Today
Wednesday April 19th 2006, 1:09 pm
Filed under: General


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Event of the Summer…
Tuesday April 18th 2006, 11:32 am
Filed under: Internet

Who’s coming with me??!


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Hey, Bummy.
Monday April 17th 2006, 7:20 am
Filed under: Stories


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Shabat Rumsfeld!
Friday April 14th 2006, 5:37 am
Filed under: General

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was called out by yet another General who claims Rumsfeld “micormanages” and “carries too much baggage.”

PSSH! YOU CAN NEVER CARRY TOO MUCH BAGGAGE, AM I RIGHT GIRLS!!!!!!!!

I’M RIGHT! I AM RIGHT, GIRLS!!!!!

KATE SPADE~!@~!



Shabat Shalom
Friday April 14th 2006, 5:35 am
Filed under: General

Good Friday?!?

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Hey, Blood-Mouth!
Wednesday April 12th 2006, 2:44 pm
Filed under: General

Last night I did standup for the first time in awhile.

I told some jokes but mostly a story about this dude eating a light-bulb.

I have to confess, I have never watched anyone eat a lightbulb but now, after thinking about it, I would love to actually witness this. If anyone can help me out by either eating a light-bulb in my prescence, finding someone who can eat a lightbulb or even video footage of such a thing, I would appreciate it.

This may become a hobby of mine.



This here is a throwback…
Wednesday April 12th 2006, 2:42 pm
Filed under: Stories

the basement.



Rejected Sketches #002
Tuesday April 11th 2006, 8:52 am
Filed under: Stories

MOTHER- Sandy

FATHER- Scott

SON- Will

DAUGHTER- Samantha

[They are all sitting out on a porch. Sandy and Scott are in chairs, Will and Samantha are on the ground, playing. Scott is reading a newspaper and Sandy is knitting or something]

SCOTT: [peering out from newspaper] So, looks like there’s a hurricane coming in.

SANDY: Ah. There’s always a hurricane coming in. I once fought a hurricane.

SCOTT: You fought a hurricane, dear?

SANDY: I beat the shit out of it.

SCOTT: [confused] How?

SANDY: You want me to beat the shit out of you?

SCOTT: Um..no.

SANDY: Then stop asking so many damned questions.

SCOTT: Okay.

WILL: Dad, how does a hurrican happen?

SCOTT: Well son, there are a lot of factors involved. A high pressure front has to be looming–

SANDY: Ah, cornstocks, you pee-eater!

SCOTT: Honey, I was just–

SANDY: You were just being gay.

SCOTT: Gay?

SANDY: Boy, c’mere.

WILL: Are you really my mom?

SANDY: You want to see my scar?

[will shakes his head violently]

SANDY: Then sit down. [will moves to his mother] I’ll tell you how a hurricane happens. Lean in real close. Closer…closer… [she smacks him in the head]

WILL: Ow!

SANDY: ah hah aha ! You little bitch!

WILL: That hurt!

SANDY: Well, that’s how a hurricane happens.

WILL: By you hitting me?

SANDY: Yes.

WILL: Dad?

[scott just looks at will extremely confused. and they return to their actions]

SAMANTHA: Daddy?

SCOTT: Yes sweetie?

SAMANTHA: Why does mommy hit you?

SCOTT: Well..uh, mommy– [sandy punches him in the arm] Ow, hey!

SANDY: Tell her you pussy!

SCOTT: Wha..?

SANDY: Tell her why I hit you.

SCOTT: I, it’s–

SANDY: Tell him or I will put a knife in your mouth.

SCOTT: Okay. Well, princess…

SAMANTHA: Yes daddy?

SCOTT: You see–

SANDY: Your father’s got two genatalia’s!

SCOTT: Okay, this is–

SANDY: He’s a hermaphro–herma–hermies, herpies—he’s got a dick and a hoo-hah!

WILL: What?

SCOTT: Kids, look, I was born with a boy and a girl no-no spot.

[will and samantha look at each other nervous]

SCOTT: It’s actually fairly normal it happens every so often.

SANDY: Ha, ha! In high school, we called him pee-nee-pussy. Cause it was true.

SAMANTHA: So is that why you hit daddy?

SANDY: [just laughs manically]

SCOTT: Well, it’s complicated. [she slugs scott] Ow! [TO SANDY: I wont no, I won’t I won’t do it–I–[sandy pulls scott’s hair] SCOTT: OW OW OW!]]

SCOTT: Okay okay, fine! Fine. Kids, you know that only a mommy can have children because she only has mommy parts. Well, your mommy was nice enough to marry me but I later found out she didn’t want to be a mommy and only wanted to marry daddy because she thought it was funny. So, when I wanted to start a family, it was hard to because you need a mommy AND a daddy and the mommy wasn’t really cooperating.

SAMANTHA: [shocked] We’re adopted?!

[the kids sit looking shocked]

SCOTT: [long, ashamed look] No, no, well– your mother refused to adopt. So…[beat]

SANDY: Heh heh! Tell ‘em!

SCOTT: So…she forced me to have sex with myself and watched, laughing the entire time.

SANDY: HA HA HA AH! [and so forth with boisterous-esque laughter maybe making the finger in the hole gesture. I don’t really know]

[samantha and will embrace]

WILL: Don’t let go.

SAMANTHA: Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him in the eyes.

SCOTT: But kids! I still love you with–

WILL: Shut up pee-nee pussy!

SCOTT: [to Sandy] You see what you’ve done! Do you see?! They were fine before thi– [she hits him] OW!

SAMANTHA: Mom, I think we should leave and never come back. Ever.

WILL: Yeah, I don’t want to be with a freak dad anymore!

SANDY: Ha ha! Let’s go to Vegas, yeah!

WILL: Vegas! Bye , you monster!

[they start running away but Samantha comes back]

SCOTT: Oh, Sam, I knew you would come back!

SAMANTHA: Um, no, I was just going to go get my coat. [exits]

SCOTT: Oh.

[beat]

SCOTT: Well, guess it’s time to make myself another friend…[starts unbuckling his pants….]

[Lights!]

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Conversations with Hettler #008
Tuesday April 11th 2006, 8:23 am
Filed under: Conversations with Hettler


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The first commercial payment system to mimick banks and credit cards was launched in mortgage loan types in 1999 simultaneously by mobile operators Globe and Smart.



Merry Christmas, Jerk.
Tuesday April 11th 2006, 6:51 am
Filed under: General

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Whatever.


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Monday April 10th 2006, 7:41 am
Filed under: Traffic

ANNCR: OH SNAP STICKS! SOMEONE FORGOT TO TAKE HER BIRTH-CONTROL PILLS LAST NIGHT (honking sound effects) UH-OH! IT’S THE MORNING TRAFFIC REPORT WITH–

TRAFFIC: Um, Phil. Actually, I’m blind so I can’t see the monitor…

ANNCR: HOOO BOY! IT’S GONNA BE A HOT ONE! TAKE IT AWAY!

TRAFFIC: No, seriously. I don’t know how I got this job. I literally cannot see the traffic monitor. Can someone help me?

[The program director of WKLX bursts into the studio]

P.D.: Hey! You’re not the traffic guy! Just what do you think you’re doing here? How did you even get here?

TRAFFIC: No, I know. I don’t know how I got here. I woke up and had headphones on. I am completely blind.

P.D.: Oh. Well hey, you know what they say–the blind man sees more than the man who can actually see.

TRAFFIC: What? Who says that?

P.D.: Heh, heh. You so crazy! Keep up the good work, blindy!

TRAFFIC: Help?

ANNCR: TRAFFIC BE WILD!

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Monday April 10th 2006, 7:33 am
Filed under: General

“BRITAIN has tried to silence renewed sabre-rattling from within the US administration for military action against Iran, saying the idea that the White House wants a nuclear strike is ‘completely nuts’.”

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Friday April 07th 2006, 7:07 am
Filed under: General


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Rejected Sketches
Thursday April 06th 2006, 7:45 am
Filed under: Stories

I am in a sketch comedy group.

Sometimes the group takes my sketches. Sometimes they do not. Here is one they did not like:

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KEN: Man, I’m going to kick his little puny ass! No one beats Ken Reisman!

SAL: Yeah that’s right. You kick it. You kick it in the ground and make him cry and bleed and then you swim in his river of bloody tears!

KEN: What?

SAL: Uh..punch him and shit!

KEN: Oh yeah, motherfucker!

(to the right.)

JIMMY: Oh man, I’m going to wreck him really bad.

SAM: Yeah dude. You’re totally going to send him to an early grave!

FRED: (rocking back and forth) Yeah, death is awesome.

JIMMY: Oh yeah, it’s pain time.

SAM: You show him!

FRED: Can I eat his corpse?

SAM: Shut up Fred! You show him, Jimmy. Show him who’s boss.

JIMMY: Oh, I’m going to show him. And then I’m going make love to him.

SAM: What?

FRED: Weird.

JIMMY: I said…I’m going to take to shoving him.

SAM: Oh. Okay. Yeah.

FRED: That’s still weird.

JIMMY: Damn he is fine.

SAM: What? What are you saying?

JIMMY: Fine..for punching.

SAM: Yeah!

FRED: Will you bake me a cake?

(a bell rings and they both come to the center. A referee comes to the center to explain the rules.)

SAL: You show him! You teach him! Science! The science of dieing!

KEN: Shut up, Sal!

SAL: I know! I’m…I’ll go to my box now. (he crawls into a box)

REF: Okay boys, I want a nice clean fight. You see this shirt? Hey! (slaps both of the guys) You see this shirt?!

KEN: Yeah, so what?

REF: So what? So what big boy? I got it on sale. You know what that means?

JIMMY: (confused) You’re Jewish?

REF: (slaps Jimmy. Jimmy: OW!) It means don’t go bleeding on it, bleedy McGovern.

JIMMY: My name’s Jimmy!

REF: Your name is SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE. Okay boys, nice and clean. Shake (they tap)

JIMMY: Yeah, you’re kind of hot. You want me inside you?

KEN: What?

REF: Box!

[jimmy lands a punch]

JIMMY: Yeah? MM, you like it? You’re really sexy.

KEN: Hey, shut up man! We’re boxing!

JIMMY: Foxy boxing!

KEN: Huh?

[jimmy lands another punch]

SAL: [from the box] Come on Kenny! You can do it!

KEN: Shut up, Sal!

SAL: My box is lonely.

JIMMY: Hey man.

KEN: Shut up and box.

JIMMY: No, real quick, I got a secret for you.

KEN: What?

JIMMY: C’mere, c’mere I swear I won’t hit you.

KEN: Swear?

JIMMY: Swear.

[Ken walks over.]

JIMMY: [whispering] I want to rub a lot of oil on you and go at it ALL night long.

KEN: What the fuck?!

[Jimmy lands a combo:stomach, face stomach, uppercut to the face, knocking Ken down]

[A bell rings. and the first round ends. They go back to their corners]

JIMMY: Man, I cannot wait till he is knocked out so I can give him a deep tissue massage.

SAM: What? Jimmy, stop saying weird shit.

JIMMY: I didn’t say anything.

SAM: But I heard you–

JIMMY: I didn’t say anything. [quick pause] Man, I want to rub his butt on my face.

FRED: I bet it’s smooth.

SAM: See! What are you–[bell rings, they come to the center]

KEN: All right man, enough of this weird shit, let’s just box.

JIMMY: Oh, what, you don’t like to talk dirty [dodges punch]

KEN: Just shut up! [throws punch]

JIMMY: [moving around] Guess what? [beat] It’s seven inches.

KEN: Ah! Stop it!

JIMMY: Ride the wild snake!

KEN: Fuck this! [he runs out of the ring. Sal tries to get up, forgetting he’s in a box and falls]

SAL: Wait, Kenny, wait!!!

[ref claims Jimmy the champ and everyone cries sad tears of death and hostility.]


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Celebrities I Could Beat Up #001
Tuesday April 04th 2006, 8:34 am
Filed under: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!


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Tuesday April 04th 2006, 8:25 am
Filed under: General

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Apologies.
Monday April 03rd 2006, 7:02 am
Filed under: General

Sorry I’ve been gone. I suppose I’ve been “busy” but, “lame” or “lazy” probably better describes it.

I am going to be doing new, maybe less-weird things and update everyday. Promise.

I will start with an email my friend tim got. It may be spam but there was no link and a weird address:

“”Call out Gouranga be happy…
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga
That which brings the highest happiness!”"

(check back for more…things!#@# Promise.)


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