Conversations with Hettler #003
Tim: I might get a nude modeling gig.
Jake: No you won’t. What, for an art class?
Tim: Someone from the Film and Video department needs nude models and is having trouble finding males.
Jake: Great.
Tim: And I told every photographer I knew that “I do nude.”
Jake: Ha!
Tim: But now all these people are IM-ing me with “omg, this guy needs nude models.”
Jake: You’re really on your way.
Tim: Looks like I gotta start starving myself again.
[pause]
Tim: I’ll try to get prints. It’s polite to give your models prints.
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Hey Sad Bear.
Wednesday November 30th 2005, 7:55 am
Filed under:
Stories
Hey Sad Bear,
I see you sitting there all alone. It’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid. Sad Bear, why don’t you come over on my log and we can talk or not talk and just hold each other. This forest sure is big and lonesome. What’s that, Sad Bear?
“RGEOMEROWM!!!!!!”
Ha, ha. Me too, Sad Bear. We have so much in common. I like to play Hearts online. You have a heart. I like when fish swim upstream and jump out of the water. You like to bat those fish down and eat them. I could watch you eat all day. You’re a pretty bear, Sad Bear. I don’t think you should be sad anymore because I’m hear. Shh!!! Don’t swipe at me like that. I know you didn’t mean it. Let me comb your hair, Sad Bear.
That’s it. Just keep moving over here. I will make you smores and protect you when you’re in danger. I will–Ow! Ha, ha. I love when you play with me and bite my fingers off like that. It’s okay. I don’t need them. You can have them–I want you to have them.
I think we’re going to be okay out here, Bear. No more Sad Bear. It’s–what’d you say bear?
“RGERGEGFEG##%#%HGGGEKENGRIFFEYJUNIORERWWWRG#GG!!!!”
You’re so charming, Bear—Ow! Ha, ha that tickles but in a really painful way–whoops! There goes my spleen.
I think I’ll sleep now, Bear.
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Sad News…
Via The Apiary
Our favorite theatre to perform in will no longer be…
Dear Friends,
After years of running performance spaces, I have decided to discontinue managing the space called Juvie Hall and the operations of Above Kleptomania Comedy LLC. I want to take a step back from the producing, administrative, and the financial side of the theater and focus on my own career for a little while. I have managed comedy theater spaces for the past 3 years and have had to devote more time to venue operations and less time to my personal goals of being a writer, performer, and producer. Juvie Hall will officially close on December 31st. The theater people on the main floor will be taking over the space. If you are interested in renting the theater space for a show in January and beyond, please call Gail at The Gene Frankel Theater 212 777 1767.
The shows with regular runs: Saturday Night Rewritten, Manhattan Comedy Collective, Harsh, and The NYC are currently negotiating with the theater space manager independently and will hopefully remain there, but they may move to other venues. Sara Schaefer’s show has ended its run earlier in the month. The Midnight Kalan will live on in a new (yet to be determined) venue starting in January as a once a month show.
I would like to thank everyone who has ever paid for a ticket, rented the theater, seen a show, or was in a show that involved myself or one of my venues. Our relationships have all changed over the past years. With some people I’ve grown unbelievably closer. I don’t have any siblings and feel unbelievably close to many of you, like a brother or sister. Some of you have grown further apart. Please remember the shows where we came together and entertained an audience.
Without all of you I would not have been able to call myself a comedy producer for the past 3 years. From the un-air conditioned room known as Surf Reality to the mirrored walls/ creepiness of Show World to the German self help weirdness of The Sage Theater to the comfortable walls of the basement of the Gene Frankel Theater your help proved that it is possible to do comedy on your own terms, your way, and ultimately to your own reward.
There will be an “End of Juvie Hall” party on Dec 12th, Monday at Slainte’ (304 Bowery) at 7pm. I hope to see you there.
Side note: You can catch me (Jake Goldman!) and the comedy group I am “Cleanest River in America” in our penultimate Juvie Hall show December 17th at 10PM. Sad to see the place go…
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The Lonliest Man in the World Describes his Thanksgiving
Saturday November 26th 2005, 9:20 pm
Filed under:
Stories
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Throwback.
There’s a lot of things I don’t like.
I don’t like “clip” shows or “best-of’s.” I also don’t like drunk people trying to be funny.
This post violates both of those things I strongly dislike. I was fueled by whiskey I had been drinking by myself in an NYU dormroom probably in just boxer shorts looking at my wasted life in the reflection of my computer monitor. At the time I was a writer for a humor site called “the basement.” I decided to do an article while drunk. It was the first and last time although I think the result was semi-hillarious. And I now present to you: “PEWBIS.”
PEWBIS FUCKED A CAMEL///////////////////////////////////////.
here is thew quADRATIC EQUATION penis!
[a dog] X amoutn of pickels. - two girls haveing sex….. = llama shit!
okay lets talk about pewbis.
pewbis is an all terrain vehicle made for snow-shoeing. i have to dogs.
1) doggie man numebr one = pewbis johhnington
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your whole godddamned operation.
3) i dont sell my blood for money.
so what, pervert!
THERE ARE MANY THINGS ABOUT PEWBIS I WOULD LIKE TO DISCLOSE BUT I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU SO GODDAMNED MUCH IT KILLS ME A LITTLE BIT INSIDE EVERYTIME YOU BREATH BREATHS OF COOL COOL OXYGEN.
(P.S. I hate myself)
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I AM PANICKING.
Source: ABC NEWS
Nov. 23, 2005 — If you plan on leaving home this afternoon to start your Thanksgiving holiday, you may find yourself driving slower than a float at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. AH! THAT IS VERY SLOW! I OFTEN SAY TO MY FATHER: “DAD THOSE FLOATS ARE VERY SLOW I WOULD NEVER WANT TO DRIVE ONE OF THOSE DURING A HECTIC PERIOD OF MY LIFE.” The airports are no piece of pumpkin pie eitherHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CAUSE YOU CANT EAT AN AIRPORT SILLY! — today and Sunday are the two busiest days of the year.
No matter what your mode of transportation, try to make it there by dinnertime Thursday. I CANT PROMISE THAT NOW. I THINK I MIGHT DEFER TO A LIFE OF A HERMIT. THIS IS SCARY SHIT. The National Turkey Federation estimates that Americans will eat 45 million turkeys this Thanksgiving. YOU GREEDY SHITFUCKS
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Hey you guys.
Tuesday November 22nd 2005, 8:27 am
Filed under:
General
If you like weird comedy like I do–check out the “shows” page. I’ve got a ton coming up in New York mostly but also one in Boston and Chicago. do it!!!!!
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Tuesday November 22nd 2005, 6:54 am
Filed under:
Lists
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“Enjoy your menopause, I’m going scuba diving!”
“Stop it, Mom, I’m eating your terrible plate of disgust.”
“Get off Dad, Mom!”
“I’m confused Mom, are these cookies or did you just decide to shit into a bowl and call it dessert?”
“Right. Like I’d EVER want to be seen with YOU in a hospital!”
“That’s not even Dad, Mom.”
“I love you mom…SIKE!”
“You don’t know how to raise your daughter”
Bee Mouth
Monday November 21st 2005, 8:51 pm
Filed under:
Stories
In elementary school, they used to call me “Bee Mouth,” because of my poor dental hygeine. My teeth were yellow and black and govered with grime. Often times my teeth would produce honey.
“Bee mouth! Bee mouth!” They would all shout as I walked onto the playground. I would show them though. One day I came into school with a bag of bees and put most of them in my mouth. I walked out onto the concrete grounds and opened my mouth. And Jimmy McKenna died because he was severely allergic to bees.
“Good,” I thought. “Death teaches many lessons.”
At the funeral, I gave the eulogy.
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His mom cried and I smiled. Truth be told, we all smiled a bit on the inside.
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[Alarm clock plays Christian Talk…]
ANNCR: And on Seventh Day God created….
[Turned off]
JAKE: Yeah right!
[Jake sits up in bed.]
JAKE’S THOUGHTS: Man. I can hear people in the kitchen. I’d better get rid of this erection.
[Four minutes pass]
JAKE: [heavy breathing and sweat] I feel poorly about myself. I will go back to sleep and never wake up again.
[Jake dies. Every. Single. Morning.]
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Conversations with Hettler #002
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Tuesday November 15th 2005, 7:14 am
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My good friend Dan Luddy is in London for a year. Occasionally he sends weird things in the mail. Today, my roommates and I received a post-card in the shape of Princess Di’s head. On the back is maybe the funniest song. Dan Luddy has ever written. Enjoy.
“Oh, Lady Di!
I only wish you could see!
What you’re doin’ to my mind,
So permanently.
Lady Di!
You make 1 and 1 make 3!
I’ll re-write the math,
And factor out you and me!
You got killed up in France!
Yeah Yeah Yeah!
You left my heart in a trance!
Bam Bam Bam!
Oh what we gonna do,
When we stop sniffin’ glue?
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Friday November 11th 2005, 12:10 pm
Filed under:
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Yeah. Look here.
I can’t say I’m surprised but come on! Replacing the November sweeps episodes with “Prison Break?” If anyone actually likes this show [Prison Break] please punch yourself in the face for me. Please.
Come on, Scott Baio dropped what he was doing to guest star! Bob Loblaw. Goddamit. This world will deprive me of everything I love.
It will.
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Thursday November 10th 2005, 10:30 pm
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General
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Thursday November 10th 2005, 7:24 am
Filed under:
Traffic
ANNCR: My oh my look at the clear sky! It’s the traffic with–
TRAFFIC GUY: Me, Jerry Seinfeld.
ANNCR: You’re not Seinfeld–
TRAFFIC GUY: What’s the deal with cars? They move but when they’re lined up in a line–they don’t! What’s the deal with people in cars during rush hour? What are they? Dead?
[There is a loud knock on the door. The program director bursts in]
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing?
TRAFFIC GUY: What’s the deal with people asking me what I’m doing? Can’t you just look at me?
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: Oh, my mistake! You’re obviously Jerry Seinfeld. And you’re doing the traffic. [pause] Say, what’s the Verazano Bridge look like today?
TRAFFIC GUY: What’s the deal with bridges anyway? Why haven’t humans evolved into beings that can hover?
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: You know something Jerry? You’re right. [he walks away]
[Jerry Seinfeld explodes]
ANNCR: Things is crazy!
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50 Cent is the Mother Theresa of our Generation.
Last night on Conan, 50 Cent talked about an incident that occured during the filming of his upcoming Get Rich or Die Tryin’ movie. After a long day of shooting in the Bronx, Fifty decided to give back to his fans that had lined up along the barricades all day and night to watch him effortlessly deliver his lines.
How did he decide to give back? Sign autographs? Pedestrian. Shake hands? Those kids are into all kinds of weird things–no thank you! Throw money at them? Yes. Yes, throwing money at children is the best possible idea. So that’s what fifty did. Threw money at children. Seriously.
To make matters worse, Fifty had a choice of what size bills to throw. In one pocket were several hundred one-dollar bills. In the other pocket was 12,000 dollars. Of course, he wanted to throw the ones just so this scene could look even more like a third-world country. So he threw the money, children scattered and I’m supposing he laughed manically and maybe even cackled as he watched the money float towards the ground. Upon climbing back into his trailer, Fifty reached into his pockets only to find one empty and the other littered with one-dollar bills.
Yes. Fifty-Cent threw 12,000 dollars into a crowd of children. In the Bronx. I need some air.
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Today mobile payments ranging from mobile banking to mobile credit cards to mobile commerce are very widely used in Asia and Africa, and in selected European markets.
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