well…
Friday February 08th 2008, 5:37 pm
Filed under:
StoriesI’ve already lost the blogging contest.
The good news is, my last week of work begins…NOW.
cheers.
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I’m tired of people saying things like:
“Oh, I didn’t vote because I just don’t care,” or “I don’t identify with any of the candidates.”
Bullshit.
Who REALLY identifies with any of these politicians? Stop being lazy and do some reading. That’s a lame excuse.
You people know the issues of this nation and there are plenty. You have ideals you hold dearly, don’t you? Do you want to keep those ideals? I’m sure you do. And I’m sure, while you’d never admit it, there’s been times you’ve been angry with America and there’s been times where America has been a the place you loved and never wanted to leave.
So, stop making excuses. I didn’t even vote for the person I identified with the most; I voted for the person I thought had the best shot at beating those Republican clowns because this country needs change.
Don’t you dare complain about this country or politics or anything if you don’t vote or don’t find out what the issues are. Yes, there’s so much empty rhetoric in all this and empty promises and whatever other bullshit may be spewing from potential nominees but you have been endowed with the right to vote, so fucking use it, pinhead.
Ah.
AH.
That’s all.
I don’t think I’ve written anything angry on this blog before today.
Cheers.
Super Tuesday.
Tuesday February 05th 2008, 9:42 am
Filed under:
StoriesMy good friend Chris at Becoming Somebody, asked a bunch of writer-type-friends to contribute to the aforementioned site with their thoughts on the political landscape as we, as a country, endure “Super Tuesday,” or whatever the fuck they’re calling it here. Some great posts there.
Here’s mine:
We Are a Mess
Be sure to read Chris’ short stories by clicking on “Short Story Archive” on the right side.
my dream ballot for today
Tuesday February 05th 2008, 7:26 am
Filed under:
Storiesdownload mobile ringtone phone
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3 Billion dollars in 2007 and gaming was worth over 5 billion dollars in 2007 (source Netsize Guide 2008).
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Concepts covered in this patent (cited in at least 34 other patents) also were later extended to several satellite communication systems.
F the pro-bowl
Monday February 04th 2008, 9:12 am
Filed under:
StoriesGIANTS HEAD COACH TOM COUGHLIN
“The best part of it for me is the idea that this group of young men, who came together and believed in themselves, bought the team concept completely, took the names off the back of the jerseys, checked the egos at the door. The reinforcement for team is the greatest source of satisfaction for me. I told the players last night – and I had stayed away from any personal refrain because I didn’t think it was proper timing, but last night it was. I told them about my experience in 1990, when you realize that you are the World Champion, other than your family and your children and those type of things professionally, there is no comparison to the feeling. You could walk around six feet high and it would be appropriate, for our players. When you stop and think about Michael Strahan, when you stop and think about Jeff Feagles, Jeff in his 20th year and only six times in the playoffs. You start to think about all our veteran guys who now are World Champions and are experiencing that feeling for the first time, reinforcing the concept of team, that’s the greatest thing for me.”
Giants Owner John K. Mara
(on winning the Super Bowl) “I’ll tell you what, it’s the greatest victory in the history of this franchise, without question. I just want to say to all you Giants fan who have supported us for more than 30 years at Giants Stadium, for all those years in Yankee Stadium and some of you even back to the Polo Grounds, this is for you.”
It is so very sweet.
ahem.
Sunday February 03rd 2008, 9:17 pm
Filed under:
StoriesGiants.
That is all.
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Many phones offer Instant Messenger services for simple, easy texting.
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an interaction i’ll never have
Sunday February 03rd 2008, 11:43 am
Filed under:
StoriesROBOT: Jake?
JAKE: Go away!
ROBOT: Are you crying?
JAKE: Just…go AWAY.
ROBOT: I could get you a tissue…
JAKE: You could get me you leaving.
ROBOT: All…..right.
JAKE: Go!
[robot just stands there motionless and Jake kicks him]
ROBOT: Okay. I get it.
[robot leaves]
How to not lure a man eating snake into your house:
Friday February 01st 2008, 1:03 pm
Filed under:
StoriesJust, like, don’t?
Starting today.
Friday February 01st 2008, 1:03 pm
Filed under:
StoriesIn a blog contest.
Going to win? No. Maybe..
details here:
http://contamity.livejournal.com/183068.html
cool.
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overheard this weekend…
Sunday January 06th 2008, 4:59 pm
Filed under:
Storiesmoney spent on abuse xanax yearly
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Things I hope to someday shout outloud in public:
Wednesday January 02nd 2008, 11:22 am
Filed under:
Stories“You can’t afford me!”
You start realizing…
Tuesday December 18th 2007, 12:34 pm
Filed under:
Stories…That people look like muppets.
This is a big one. Tonight.
Monday December 17th 2007, 9:20 am
Filed under:
Stories
remember:
You are not humble if you say:
“I’m humble.”
cool?
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Thursday December 06th 2007, 11:50 am
Filed under:
Stories[a man enters a bar. He takes off his top-hat and gloves and places them on the bar. He raps his cane a bar-stool, loudly, getting the attention of the bartender]
TopHat: Barkeep! Oh, barkeep!
Barkeep: Yes?
TopHat: Barkeep, please fix me a gimlet.
Barkeep: But, sir–
TopHat: Tut, tut, barkeep! Make haste!
Barkeep: [sighs with deep resignation] Sir, I don’t know how to make a gimlet.
TopHat: [shaking head] Barkeep…
Barkeep: You don’t have to say a word. I know.
[Barkeep shoots himself in the neck and falls over. TopHat selects “Who Let the dogs Out?” on the jukebox and dances merrily]
[No, not really dadaist. More like dumbism!!!!!!!!!!]
!
this is how two comedians communicate:
Wednesday December 05th 2007, 1:49 pm
Filed under:
Shows.Jake: What’s our set? Like, 15?
Tom: Yeah, that’d be perfect.
Jake: Cool, we’ll do something real dumb.
Tom: I’m hoping everyone is dumb. Then we can call it dummy’s. (the show)
Jake: That’s a cool idea, Tom.
Tom: You’re a cool idea, Jake.
Jake: Tom, this conversation couldn’t be going any better. I’d like to sign you to my record label.
Tom: I’m glad we’re on the same page.
To watch AWESOME conversations like this LIVE come to this show:
Phenomamom hosts at Fat Baby
Monday, December 17th, 8pm.
112 Rivington Street, NYC
with guests:
Timmy, from the Whitest Kids U Know TV program on FUSE
Someone from the Colbert Report (it’s a surprise!!)
and your “headliners”
Barrett and Goldman.
I don’t know if it costs money. They probably just give you money if you show up.
Dude who finds dinosaurs!
Friday November 30th 2007, 3:05 pm
Filed under:
Stories
ANNCR: OH MAN IT’S A GUY WHO FINDS SOME DINOS!
GUY: Over there. I see one. [points]
[a guy walks out clapping and proud and hugs him]
LIGHTS!
#2
ANNCR: LOOK AT HIM GO FIND THEM DINOS!
GUY: Where could it be? Look under your chair…this dinosaur could be…anywhere…
AUDIENCE: Hey! You didn’t tell us where the dinosaur is! That’s pretty vague.
GUY: Shh! Look in your ear.
AUDIENCE: No. A dinosaur is not in my—
GUY: Shh! Your ear hears more than just words.
AUDIENCE: What? You’re [begins fidgeting] Oh. OH MY. [pulls dino out of his ear] JESUS CHRIST.
#3
ANNCR: CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WAY THIS GUY FINDS DINOSAURS?!?!?
GUY: [lights come up on him having sex with a Dino] I’m fucking one!
conversation I wish would happen in my office.
Wednesday November 28th 2007, 9:37 am
Filed under:
Stories[Jake typing at his desk, boss walks up.]
BOSS: Hey, Jake. Just so you know, a cougar is working in our office today.
[Boss walks away]
JAKE: Wait– what?
BOSS: Yeah. He’s just a temp. Calm the fuck down.
JAKE: A real, live, actual cougar?
BOSS: Jesus Christ, yes. Yes, yes, yes. What the fuck? It’s a cougar. Get over it.
JAKE: Will it kill me?
BOSS: I don’t know. Maybe. I think. Just…shut up.
JAKE: But, I–
BOSS: Go take a lunch.
JAKE: I’m…not hungry.
BOSS: Yes you are.
JAKE: Ok.
BOSS: Ok? Man. Where’d you go to school? Stupid Tech?
JAKE: Yes. I went there.
Rejected Sketches #007
Sunday November 25th 2007, 11:12 am
Filed under:
Stories*I think I’d been reading a lot of Arthur Miller plays at the time this was written. That would explain why everyone is angry and mysterious and the end hangs. Apologies. I am certainly no Arthur Miller.
[Jim is sitting in a diner looking pensive. He taps impatiently. A man comes out. It is Fred]
FRED: Here’s your coffee.
JIM: Who says I wanted coffee?
FRED: [begins to take it away] Who says I wanted to give you coffee? [takes away]
JIM: Turns out I do want coffee.
FRED: Good. [puts it down on the table] That’ll be 900 dollars.
JIM: Good. Do you take novelty checks?
FRED: Yes. Yes we do.
[Jim pulls out a novelty check and hands it to Fred. Fred takes it and walks away. Jim sips the coffee slowly and waits. Fred walks back out.]
FRED: Your check bounced.
JIM: How ‘bout I bounce your face?
FRED: I might like that.
JIM: Or how about I pay with this wire hanger?
FRED: I’ll have to run it through the system.
JIM: [quickly] You do that.
[Fred leaves]
[Dr. Steve walks up. He looks mysterious]
DR.STEVE: You need a loan?
JIM: I need a what?
DR.STEVE: A loan. To pay off the coffee.
JIM: I don’t need your loans.
[Fred comes out]
FRED: This wire hanger expired. It ain’t worth nothing.
JIM: Good. Cause I don’t want to pay for this coffee.
FRED: How about you pay for this store then?
JIM: Maybe I will then.
FRED: Yeah, maybe you will.
JIM: Yeah, maybe I’ll turn it into a dueling piano bar.
DR. STEVE: I’d definitely go to that.
[they both stare at Dr. Steve as the lights slowly fade. They come back up quickly and a voice yells “Six Months Later…” They are both playing small casio keyboards and 12-bar blues are coming out of each. It sounds terrible. They both stare at each other angrily while they play and Dr. Steve sits in the middle, tapping his foot.]
DR. STEVE: I told you I’d come.
[they continue playing tepid piano as the lights fade again]
[No one is laughing]
Thanksgiving Dinner With People Who have no heads.
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[A man, Phillip, is sitting, reading quietly in a cafe. The entire cafe is empty, tables and chairs scattered about. Another man, Terry, walks in and walks up to Phillip and points to an empty chair at Phillip’s table.]
TERRY: You using this chair?
PHILLIP: [looking around, noticing ten other empty chairs.] Well, there’s plenty of chairs here.
TERRY: [quickly] Hey. I didn’t ask for a map of this coffee shop. I asked if you were using this chair. Now…are you using this chair?
PHILLIP: No, but–
TERRY: Thank you.
PHILLIP: But why do–
TERRY: [firm] THANK. YOU.
[Terry walks away without a chair and sits down at a table with his wife, Lisa, who is standing. She is also pregnant. She consoles him as he looks furious. He’s sobbing while she consoles him. Phillip walks over, confused]
PHILLIP: I’m sorry, but did you need that chair?
TERRY: No.
PHILLIP: Because it’s really not a problem.
LISA: Haven’t you done enough?
[Phillip walks away and sits back down.]
PHILLIP: You know– you could just have your wife sit down where you’re sitting.
TERRY: She’s not my wife.
[Phillip returns to his book but then notices the chair has sprouted arms, eyes, eyebrows and a mouth. It’s frowning and shaking it’s chair-head.]
PHILLIP: What?
CHAIR: Prick.
[The Chair knocks over Phillip’s coffee and it spills on the floor. Chair starts inching away towards Lisa and Terry]
PHILLIP: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
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Seinfeld in a cab.
Thursday November 15th 2007, 8:57 am
Filed under:
Stories,
jerks.Cab Driver: Where to?
Seinfeld: Are you kidding me? Do you know who I am?
Cab Driver: No. Where can I take you?
Seinfeld: Unbelievable. Did you do research before this? [leans head out window] Can someone get this guy a resume?
Cab Driver: West village?
Seinfeld: Are you–oh. West Village, yeah. Sure. That might be nice.
[they start driving]
Cab Driver: Oh! I do know you. You had that TV show canceled on NBC.
[Seinfeld hangs himself in the back of the cab. Cab driver notices and puts on Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues. ]
Conversations with Hettler #011
Jake: So should I still come down around 6:30
Hettler: You seem like you dont want to
Jake: What?
Hettler: I’m getting negative vibes
Jake: What are you?
Hettler: Nothing.
A relic of sorts.
Tuesday October 09th 2007, 10:48 am
Filed under:
StoriesHere’s an interview a blog did with one of my comedy troupes awhile ago. Somehow I come off sounding very angry. Guys, am I very angry all the time ? Yeah? Fuck you too, then.
Sketch comedy troupe, Cleanest River in America formed in the summer of 2005 and since then has performed at: Providence Improv Fest, Improv Asylum in Boston, Brandeis University, Syracuse University, The PIT-NYC, Juvie Hall-NYC, RiFiFi-NYC The Conservatory Theatre-Chicago, and in the Slightly Known People’s New Year’s Jamboree. Its members are Daniel Leif, Jake Goldman & Jessica Stickles.
-What for you is the purpose & practice of sketch comedy all about?
DL: Above all, I really, really, really like doing it, especially the performing aspect. I like getting up on a stage, yelling and not thinking about anything else at that moment. When I was a freshman in college, I had never really performed anything before, but Jake convinced me to get up there dressed as a woman (the ugliest woman the world has ever known, by the way). People laughed–like fucking hard–and that sent me off to a mental happy place.
JG: People take themselves far too serious. Everyone makes a big deal over the smallest, tiniest shit and it just drives them and everyone else around them crazy. I don’t need that. I’m around that all day at work–so for me, doing sketch is my only release. We go to rehearsal 3-5 days a week, and we’re just in a room screaming at each other but in that nice way. And of course, I want people to leave our shows happy. Yes, I’d love to put on incredible, wow-fantastic shit. But honestly, if these people leave happy, then I did my job.
JS: To me, Sketch comedy sort of acts as this filter, where you can openly look at the ridiculous things in life and just make them even more ridiculous. A lot of the time, in my life, I’ll find myself just hearing ridiculous things or meeting people that just fascinate me, in their raw oddness. And it’s sort of rude to say to that person’s face or in that moment “Hey, you have a parrot on a leash; you had a strange childhood I bet.” Instead I write a sketch about it.
-How would you define the style of CRA?
DL: Soluble maybe? All I can say is that it’s genuinely us. We’re not trying to be dark, silly or smart. We just do whatever feels naturally funny, but when push comes to shove, I’d say soluble. We can definitely be dissolved in water or solution.
JG: We’ve all got this wild, raw sort of energy. Lots of quick transitions and lots of “scenes.” We don’t do much parody or political humor or like, I don’t know, historical stuff. We’re also very weird. In short, I’d say we do scenes about people in normal situations with a weird twist.
JS: The style of Cleanest River…it’s like that poem by Whitman. You know the one.
-Do you all define yourselves as comedians, or do you, as so many
artists do, shrug off the definitions? Why?
DL: I’d define myself as a comedian. The things I perform are intended to make people laugh. The phrase ‘comedian’ gets looked down on because the word makes people picture some middle-age white guy spouting off plankton jokes at a club in the Poconos. Yeah, plankton…the shit whales eat. If you’re trying to make people laugh, you’re a comedian. You can have other labels, too, of course: actor, writer or social commentator. Me? I’m a comedian and a telephone.
JG: First and foremost we’re comedians. Our goal is to make people laugh. Period. We want to have fun doing it but people coming to our shows want to laugh. That is the very definition of a comedian, I believe.
JS: I wouldn’t shrug off the definition of being a comedienne. If you make people laugh and that’s your goal, then you’re a comedian or comedienne. But more accurately, I think this sort of goes to say that if you want to be a comedian or comedienne as a professional, then there needs to be a deeper level of “well this is my craft.” So in that sense, instead of an artist, I would call myself a blacksmith of comedy.
-Where do you pull major ideas from for your work?
DL: Usually, when I want to write a sketch I’ll just sit down at a computer and start thinking about events and words and people I know. Then some situation will come to mind, and I’ll try to make something out of it. That rarely leads to anything, but I’ll stay with it and one thing will lead to another…and in the morning I’m pregnant.
JG: Personally, just about anywhere. It’s mostly observing things and then saying “Well what if I took this situation and added this twist…” Sometimes I don’t know where my ideas come from like when I write a sketch about a father leaving dead rabbits on his son’s bed.
JS: Most of my ideas come from improvisation and talking with other people. You create a scene from normal life (say I’m talking with my parents, and they ask me what I want for breakfast.) Instead of saying ‘oats,’ I would say ‘my childhood back.’ And to be perfectly honest, that actual example comes from a real life story. I was talking with my mother on the phone and she said to me “What do you want or need from the store?” I replied “My Childhood that you stole from me.” She, I suppose, could not hear me so she several times guessed at what I was saying “crackers” “chicken” “toothpaste”…saying things not even close to the words I had said almost as though she wasn’t listening. That later became a sketch about a mother and father messing with their kids.
-Do you all find major themes that thread throughout the sketches?
DL: The themes I see (and I’m not even trying to be funny here): death, guns, crazy guys.
JG: Not really. Each of us has a very distinct writing style. A lot of our sketches aren’t structured like a normal sketch; they’re often like mini-plays because the jokes aren’t built in. It’s just people saying odd things. You never really see a pattern or common thread. I think we’re more character-driven than plot driven. I love that stuff.
JS: The major theme that I would say, if there was one, is “People are odd.” There can be social critiques and just little themes that lead you to initially write the sketch. I mean, with sketches I have written, I sometimes will end up saying things that I don’t mean to that actually make me look quite brilliant. But I find that’s true of all writing. Like I bet Shakespeare really was just talking about a sword. Not a penis.
-Do you guys have any artistic influences? Who are they?
DL: Definitely Monty Python. They could be so unbelievably silly, but somehow they made everything flow together to work. When I really started to get into them, I realized what you can do with comedy, how you can really flip the whole world upside down. During the five months I’ve lived in New York, I’d say I’ve been influenced by a lot of the
smaller groups that I’ve seen regularly.
JG: Upright Citizens Brigade. Quite possibly the best sketch show ever next to Flying Circus (Monty Python). I really love Lenny Bruce and Jim Gaffigan too. And I have a crush on this NYC Improv group Death By Roo-Roo. We go see them pretty much every Friday. They are unbelievable.
JS: I’d say my artistic influences are probably the same as a lot of people. Upright Citizens Brigade, Kids in the Hall, Saturday Night Live, Seinfeld, George Carlin, Monty Python. And then it’s weird, because there are moments I remember finding comedic influence in random movies, like Dances With Wolves. I remember, at age 8, seeing that idea, of peaceful acceptance of different cultures… hilarious.
-How would you define humor? How does that definition apply to CRA?
DL: One reason I like humor is that it’s really hard to define; most cool shit is hard to define. (Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, speaking about hard-core pornography) said “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced,…but I know it when I see it.” I feel the same way about humor. You know what? What I really like is humorous pornography. Have you ever seen the video clip where a girl is like giving a blowjob or getting naked or something and then she stands up and hits her head on a shower curtain pole? I mean, I feel fucking bad for that girl, but that scene is very funny. It’s all over the Internet I’m sure.
JG: I don’t really like defining humor. There’s so many different styles and ways people are making other people laugh that to try and define “humor” as one “thing” kind of short changes comedy in general. With us, we just do what’s funny. I definitely like absurdity and randomness and groups that bring in new forms and ideas that you haven’t seen before.
JS: Humor is a tragedy with really good timing. Humor is taking something sad and actually seeing that it is in fact not sad but hilarious. Like that Alannis Morrison song about spoons. And that’s all Cleanest River tries to do. Live up to that song.
-Working in humor, which tends to be as most art is so subjective, do
you think that it’s possible to create a sketch without
misinterpretation or offense?
DL: You could quite easily write a very boring sketch that won’t offend anyone. You could show two guys sitting on a park bench and then one guy goes “I need new sneakers!” Then the other guy goes “Shut your head!” Then the lights go down. I can tell you we’ve actually thought about writing shit like that into shows. But, truthfully, I think people kind of like being offended. When we see something and say “that’s just wrong” to the person sitting next to us, we’re offended on some level. Usually when people say that, they’ll be laughing at the same time. Or, sometimes you’ll get a person who doesn’t laugh. The person just says “that’s just wrong,” and they get angry, write something in a blog, newspaper or a sternly worded letter. I applaud their anger. If everyone liked everything, then making people laugh wouldn’t mean anything.
JG: People are always going to find a way to take offense to comedy. That’s how it’s always been. People take themselves too seriously and feel like they’re always being misrepresented. Whatever. We don’t go out and set to offend anyone or misrepresent them, but you also have to do what you find funny. That’s the bottom line, and if someone takes offense, oh well. That said, I feel it’s actually pretty easy to write sketches without offending people. You don’t always have to stereotype when you write, or write about specific types or groups of people. You can simply write scenes about people and their relationships and it can be just as funny without touching on “issues.” I often hate issue-driven comedy. It’s comedy. Let’s just laugh, okay dickwad?
JS: Of course. I mean, if you hit someone in the face with a cream pie (always hilarious by the way), it’s hard for someone to take that for more than what it is and say “Oh wow, someone putting on white face, that’s racist”…although, OK. So maybe everything can be misinterpreted. But I mean, that’s sort of where the comedy or humor of something exists…in the open-ended interpretations. The different interpretations give something a depth of humor…a variety or reasons to either laugh or gafaw.
-How do you counter the fear, if you feel it, of sharing your work
with the public?
DL: The reward on the other end pushes me over the fear of a bad audience reaction. If we can get people into a sketch, the feeling of being onstage is unbelievable. I just want to get to that feeling so I’m willing to risk rejection.
JG: Just by going out and doing it. That’s it. You’ll never get over it if you’re always worried how people are going to perceive it. Write it. Do it. That’s it.
JS: Del Close, the master of Improv, said, “Follow the fear, that’s where the laughs are.” That, I would say, is how you counter it. Just embrace the moment and not worry. Don’t think. Go have fun. It’s like orphans playing little league baseball. They have no parents to put the fear of fucking up into them; they can just go rip shit up. But then again, they have no one to take them to McDonald’s after the game, so it’s win-lose.
-Ultimately, what is your goal with your sketches? What do you want
people leaving the audience to think and say about the work?
DL: I just want them to say: “That was original and really fucking hysterical.” Also, I want them to go out and buy hats. I don’t care about brands or styles or any of that. I just want people everywhere buying hats all the time.
JG: The best shows I’ve left, I’ll sit and think about each sketch or scene for hours after and my face will feel tight. I want people to do that. Or at least say “Good show,” after. I also want my mom to still like it.
JS: I just want them to leave and say, “goats raping lions…” and I want them to think about that all day the next day. That’s when you know you’ve succeeded. Laughter is nice and a sense of enjoyment is good. But I really just want to infect their subconscious.
-What is one question that you’ve never been asked about your sketches
that you’ve always wanted to be asked?
DL: “Can I pay you $100,000 to do that on TV?”
JG: “Why would you write this trash?”
JS: “Why do a lot of your sketches involve goats raping lions?”
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rejected sketches, #006
Thursday August 23rd 2007, 1:31 pm
Filed under:
Sketches[Lenny is sitting on a chair. He’s in a fair amount of pain. Todd is pacing back and forth to his left.]
TODD: I just can’t believe you did that!
[Samantha walks in and puts down her purse]
SAMANTHA: What happened? What did he do?
TODD: He ate a light bulb.
SAMANTHA: WHAT!?
LENNY: There was nothing else to eat!
SAM: So you unscrewed one of the two lightbulbs we have inside this apartment and ate it?
LENNY: So?
SAM: Have you ever eaten a lighbulb before?
LENNY: No.
SAM: Then why start now?
LENNY: Yeah. Okay. Why start anything?
TODD: This doesn’t make sense, man. It’s not like we’ve never run out of food before.
LENNY: Yeah, okay. I’m Todd I don’t make mistakes.
SAM: It’s not like you were fooled into thinking a lightbulb was food. Why didn’t you go down to the corner store?
LENNY: Yeah– where were you when I put glass in my mouth?
TOOD: See! That’s the thing. You understand it was stupid.
LENNY: Yeah, and now I’m going to shit glass.
SAM: If you don’t die first.
LENNY: Yeah…
[they all share a laugh. like, a nice one.]
[Lenny keels over and dies. Sam and Todd look at each other terrified.]
TODD: [scared] DONT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE FUTURE!
[Sam puts her hands over her mouth. Finally she blurts something out]
SAM: It’s going to rain!
[thunder sounds, lights flicker.]
TODD: Okay that wasn’t that bad–
SAM: Your voice is going to turn into constantly changing FM radio stations!
TODD: No–
[static SFX. bunch of radio liners / songs. Todd’s mouth wide open, he looks panicked.]
SAM: Your transmitter is going to go down and your hand will turn into a gun??
TODD: Oh thank you! [notices gun in hand points it at himself] Oh, shit.
SAM: Don’t do anything crazy.
TODD: Fuck, fuck! What do you see?
SAM: Uh…Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?
TODD: Well, okay…it is 11:33, Saturday night…
[gun goes off, Todd dies.]
SAM: Oh. Uh…Todd comes back to life?
V/O FROM BOOTH: Nope.
SAM: Who is that?
V/O: The person that’s always right.
SAM: Jesus?
V/O: AHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAH….[beat] Yes.
[Lights]
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SUNS 94, RAPTORS 87
Wednesday August 22nd 2007, 12:10 pm
Filed under:
StoriesAP-
Who knew there could be more than one Sun?? Not this reporter! So you can imagine my surprise when the roof of Toronto’s Air Canada Center opened up and FIVE count EM FIVE Suns descended onto the court. They didn’t even have reserves! My word, you cocky Suns! (of bitches? - maybe. possibly take out later.) Turns out they’d NORMALLY use the regular entrance like the rest of us folk but their flight was delayed and they were NOT happy. You wouldn’t believe the actual raptor’s a.k.a lizards of the night, ability to withstand the heat. I guess actual dinosaurs really do have thick skin!!! Do I smell an upcoming line from Kate Spade, ladies? (I do! Smells like butterscotch. keep this in, please. -Ed.)
To the game. The first half was brutal. UNFORTUNATELY, sunglasses night at the Air Canada Center was LAST week when the Raptors played the Timberwolves– an endangered nocturnal animal. As you can probably guess, no one wore shades– not even Jesse Jackson who is now blind. (he was at the game because he thought it was some kind of “rally.” Like I said– he’s blind.)
Six raptors died before realizing touching any sun’s surface would be detrimental to their health. (They all thought it was sun stroke? HaHa? this is hilarious, you should be writing for that “Meet Your Mother” show. -Ed. ) With only three raptors and one Stegosaurus (Sorry, Stegs, you’re just the equipment manager.) The raptors fell short of beating the Suns as they beat down heat upon them.
Good, I like that ending.
(me too, but I usually like it when you get a little more racist towards the end. just remember for next time, thx. -Ed.)
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laserbeam2: the war.
laserbeam1: really, the war? cause I though you were going to say some shit like “we’re really underutilized.” Or, “why can’t a super villain find us already?”
laserbeam2: no. I’m sad about the war. we should have–
laserbeam1: [cuts in] all right, jesus. Really.
laserbeam2: it’s just–
laserbeam1: no, I get it. I get it. shut up.
laserbeam2: okay.
laserbeam1: yeah. it is.
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